Position: Inner Editor
Salary: Dependent upon experience
Background: Mother seeks inner editor for toddler whose habit of saying what’s on her mind has led to public embarrassment on more than one occasion. Applicants should be skilled in the areas of gentle oral suppression. Experience in thought control and creative distraction would be an asset. Please apply by e-mail to: Elliotsmama@hotmail.com
From: Wondersprite@netherworld.com
To: Elliotsmama@hotmail.com
Subject: Inner Editor Position
To whom it may concern:
My name is Edgar and I am a professional Suppression Sprite. From the sounds of your predicament it appears your daughter has been afflicted by a Blurting Faerie. These cunning creatures delight in dwelling in young children’s brains and convince them to say whatever comes to mind. They often accomplish this by severing several centres in the brain, including those responsible for logic and humiliation.
In order for me to assess the seriousness of the situation, do you mind my asking what prompted your search for an editor?
Awaiting your reply,
Edgar.
From: Elliotsmama@hotmail.com
To: Wondersprite@netherworld.com
Subject: RE: Inner Editor Position
The most recent incident involved an innocent family outing to a cafe. A white-haired, shaggy bearded gentleman was sitting at a distant table. My daughter, pointed to him and excitedly shouted, “Ho Ho Ho!” Luckily, he did not hear her. However, when I got up to pay, his wife struck up a conversation with me about what a well-behaved child I had. Desperate to prove her wrong, Elliot replied by pointing to her husband and proclaiming, “Oh. Dat Santa Claus!” The woman chuckled good naturedly and a harmless discussion ensued with Rob Claus joking that he hates children, and oddly enough, the labour shortage that afflicted the Santa industry in the city this past Christmas season. These people, were of course, very kind about my child’s affliction, but I do worry about the next time a similar situation arises.
Looking back, I am not sure what was funnier: the child assuming Santa would be slumming it in a tiny Canadian coffee shop (what was this, a daytrip from the North Pole to escape all the nagging elves?) or the fact that said Santa was exceedingly tall and weighed about 100 pounds soaking wet.
Please advise,
Andi.
From: Wondersprite@netherworld.com
To: Elliotsmama@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Inner Editor Position
Oh, dear. The situation appears more dyer than I first thought. I will need to gain access into her brain immediately to restore it to order. I await your reply.
Edgar.
From: Delilah@FADL.com
To: Wondersprite@netherworld.com
CC: Elliotsmama@hotmail.com
Subject: Your gross misconduct
Well, well, well. We meet again, Edgar. I am the Blurting Faerie who has made my home in Miss Elliot’s brain and am sorry to report that I had quite a disturbing conversation with her mother. Apparently, you have filled her head with all sorts of nonsense. I have informed Andi that you have been reprimanded by the Faerie Anti-Defamation League before and that I personally am recommending that you now be fined for your blatant disregard for the professional status of the Blurting Fairie.
I explained to Elliot’s mother that a Blurting Faerie is essential to any child’s proper development. We encourage curiosity and allow children to explore their world by pushing limits that no logical person would ever push. In doing so, children are not slaves to the adult world of reason. If it were up to you, toddlers would be closing deals in three-piece suits. For God’s sake Edgar, wait until at least the age of 12 to attack people and their beloved Blurting Faeries. A child with an inner editor makes a very boring child, indeed.
Upon reflecting on my comments, Andi has asked that I contact you to advise you that your services are no longer needed. She has decided that the entertainment factor that the spontaneous blurting creates, far outweighs the high probability of public humiliation. What else is there? Her child is, in her words, her “24-hour travelling comedy monkey”, where prime time television makes her laugh for only a half hour a week. The joy of this family is just too important to risk hiring you now. Looks like I win again…
Delilah
From: Wondersprite@netherworld.com
To: Elliotsmama@hotmail.com
CC: Delilah@FADL.com
Subject: RE: Inner Editor Position
I am truly discouraged to hear the news that you have decided to consort with the likes of Delilah. I cannot say I agree with your rather risky decision as it is my experience that if left to their own devices, these fairies can completely overtake the helpless child, and disaster will soon ensue. If your daughter begins liberally using phrases such as “fat ass” to describe unsuspecting strangers, do give me a call immediately and I will be happy to provide assistance.
Your servant in waiting,
Edgar.
Oh, but proof was not needed.
However, if being permanently commited is your aspiration..I may have to forward this puppy on…
Am I crazy if that makes complete sense to me?
When are you publishing your blurting faerie book? You’re brilliant! Oh dat Elliot!
Her dear Uncle David suffered with the same affliction at a very early age. He managed to survive without treatment and has grown up to be a golden nugget.
A golden nugget of insanity. Lol.
Scientists have found a new cure for such run-down mothers.
Lays has released a new flavor of chips.
What palate tickling mixture have they decided to delight the consumer with?
Curry.
That’s right.
Curry flavored chips.
I’m in heaven,
as I plow another sun-yellow chip into my mouth.
Where to start with the comment-response? So many fun ones.
Talia – you are a lonely, lonely woman. I really must e-mail you to procure more details about the curry chips. Also, thanks for the offer to commit me.
Sarah – Well, we both must be crazy, because it made complete sense to me too!
Sandy – Thanks. And no book in the works just yet…
Grandma – Yay. I continue to be excited about you commenting on my blog. Nice one, about David. So very, very true.
I’m still in the phase where I worry that the little guy will fart so loud in public that people will assume it had to be me. “Sure, sure, it was the baby…” I can’t imagine having to explain the workings of a toddler mind – especially one that shares your genetics!! tee hee
Nice, Sheila – can’t imagine what you might mean with the genetics comment…
I too share your farting fear. What are we feeding these kids?