A recent conversation between Lefty and Mrs. Right:
Lefty: How ya holding up there, Right? Just when we thought the last kid had suction cups of doom, this one comes into the picture, huh?
Mrs. Right: I know. It’s been torturous, Lefty. I’m still nursing my poor nipple. Nursing? Get it? A little bit of breastfeeding humor for you.
Lefty: Not really in a Ha Ha mood at the moment, Mrs. Right.
Mrs. Right: What the hell was that squeaking noise? Is the kid awake? For the love of god, give me a few minutes to freshen up.
Lefty: False alarm. I think he’s still sleeping. You know, I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the frivolity of foreplay. I mean this whole feeding thing is so utilitarian. Would it hurt him to turn on the charm once in awhile prior to sucking out our very life force? A little dinner conversation goes a long way in making a boob feel appreciated.
Mrs. Right: How I long for the soft touch of a man’s hand rather than that greedy wet mouth of an infant. There’s a reason I chose to be a woman’s breast, rather than a cow’s teet. I know this isn’t a popular opinion with the other girls, but I just don’t enjoy this kind of work.
Lefty: Amen to that, sister. The host did promise us that we’d never be called into service again, but I’m just not sure if we can trust her. I say we teach her a lesson for taking us for granted. Once the parasite’s cycle of the torture they call breastfeeding is complete, we’ll make like deflated balloons so that the only people who’ll be impressed with her physique are children at birthday parties.
Mrs. Right: How so?
Lefty: Why, she’ll use what’s left of her meager talent to fashion us into wiener dogs and giraffes and the like.
Mrs. Right: And you said you weren’t in a Ha Ha mood! And let’s be honest, it’s not like we were so impressive prior to this misadventure. I have yet to meet anyone but the most desperate and drunken of individuals who considers a B-cup impressive.
Lefty: True, true. The one perk of breastfeeding is supposed to be the increase in size, but the host couldn’t even grant us that small favor. Sure, we’re a whopping “C” now, but that’s still not anything to get terribly excited about, is it?
Mrs. Right: And even if we were capable of impressing anyone at the moment, no one would ever know. Who can get a good look with that giant baby head constantly blocking us from view?
Lefty: Ooh, I’m getting fired up now, Mrs. Right! And another thing that I’m super pissed about is the color change. I feel like someone gave me a nasty tattoo without my permission. I liked being pink. No one even consulted me about sporting this odd shade of brown. Where’s the communication, people?
Mrs. Right: Agreed. The whole thing makes me feel so violated.
Lefty: Shh. I think the host is waking up. She mustn’t hear us. That surely means the kid is ready for another feed. God speed, Right. God speed.
That is hilarious!
Grandpa says it is very uplifting! I say it is a brilliant repartee!
Ha ha! How can a woman get any sleep when her boobs are talking so much?
Shut UP. This is so funny I can’t stand it. The parasite’s cycle of the torture? Oh my God…thanks for the laugh.
My breasts can’t talk. They were rendered mute from PTSD after nursing the fourth.
If these boobs could talk…I never met someone who needed therapy for herself and her boobies.
your boobs are WAY more interesting than mine. and much wittier!
I never thought I’d ever say these words to another woman, but gosh, I hope your boobies get better!!! This post was super funny!
Now we all know where Elliot gets her witty charm from. Andi, one of the greatest highlights of my days is reading your blog. Love you.
The best thing I heard from my mom recently was – “Dear, you could buy that strapless dress, you don’t need to wear a bra”. Coming from my mother who nursed none of her 4 children, I almost fell over laughing! I’m never to be seen in public without a bra again (except of course if I”m fashioning weiner dogs or giraffes with them).
Your post made my day today!
T.
I love you. That is all.
Foo,
All I have to say is that when my boy is out of town and I am a little on the sad side the only things that make me laugh out loud is pretty much everything Elliot does and reading your blog. I am going to have to vote that one of your most brilliant and funniest yet. Thank you for making my lonely time a lot more bearable. And might I add that I am quite impressed that you have been so diligent with your posting, even with the little one attached to your breast all day. Love ya!
Foo2
Andi,
You always continue to amaze me with your wit and quirky take on life’s little pleasures. I hope one day you send some stories in to get published or put a book together-you definately have a knack for the story telling.
You brought back memories even for a old fart like me-thanks for that.
Have a great day and keep those stories coming.
Everyone needs a laugh and glad to see you are providing that to many.
Faye
Who knew there was such a conversation going on in a woman’s bra? I mostly hear the sound of sawing wood coming from mine…
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz….
I love it! I can so relate – the unimpressive B to a whopping C – that’s me, too – but hey, I’ll take what I can get
LMAO. I loved this.
After I stopped breastfeeding, I went from a B+ to an A. I never knew you could get SMALLER after breasfeeding! So not fair. I think the conversation went something like this: “Hey, where did everybody go?!”
Mine are named Mildred and Unis. Unis is bigger, Mildred is jealous. They don’t speak much.
Wow. This is the most popular my breasts have ever been.
Heather, Grandma, Ali, MrsFierceShoes, Mom, Faye – Thanks. Your compliments make this comment whore very happy.
OTJ- I am contemplating getting ear plugs. Or forcing them to whisper.
Jen – PTSD? Now that’s hilarious.
ShayShay – If you know the name of a good therapist, please to be letting me know. I’m sure Lefty and Mrs. Right would appreciate it too.
Ev – Thanks. And any linky love would be totally appreciated.
Teri – That is classic. Gotta love the backhanded compliments.
Jennifer – The feeling is mutual.
My sister – Thanks. I can’t believe you commented. And I’m glad you appreciate my diligence in keeping the blog updated – really I just don’t want you to yell at me.
Mrs. Chicky – Sawing wood? Ha ha.
Annie – We are small-breasted kindred spirits.
Mommy Off the Record – Smaller? I’m so, so sorry. Maybe the next one will give you some much appreciated weight gain in the chest area? A girl can dream, can’t she?
Moosh – You crack me up. Mildred and Unis… I don’t blame Mildred for not speaking to Unis – I’ll bet she gets all high and mighty about her size.
[...] real thing, Arlo did take the soother for long enough to allow his daddy to rock him to sleep. And Lefty and Mrs. Right loudly rejoiced during their brief period of freedom. They read magazines. Sipped gin and tonics. [...]
[...] 26, 2008 by Andi They’re back! Lefty and Mrs. Right have agreed to talk to you about their recent retirement since I appear to be incapable of writing a [...]