I’ll warn you up front that this isn’t going to be a ha ha post. The other night Jason and I had a realization that we never thought we would – we now understand how some people can hit their children.
I realize I’m wading into controversial territory, but I need to write about what happened. After Jason put Elliot to bed she yelled out, “I pooped!” When he went upstairs all I could hear was him getting angry and Elliot laughing hysterically. He came downstairs and told me, “I’m not going to deal with that right now. I’m afraid I’m going to snap.” I respected his decision to remove himself from the situation, but at the same time wondered how it could really be that bad. I walked upstairs and quickly understood how Jason had reached the edge.
Elliot had pooped in her pull-up and decided to take it off. Then she had sat on almost every imaginable surface in her room. There was shit everywhere. On the rocking chair. Her blankets. Her pants. All over the carpet. Now, shit I can deal with. It doesn’t bother me any more than being puked on all day long, or any of the other disgusting things you just adjust to when you live with unsanitary short people. What made me so angry was the laughing. When I tried to talk to Elliot, she laughed in my face and ignored everything I had to say. She had no idea why I was mad and that made me even angrier. I don’t remember ever being so frustrated with her. I wanted to smack her so that she could feel how serious this was. So that she would listen. Because words sometimes have so little meaning for people so small. And I’ll admit it. I grabbed her by the arm (probably a bit too forcefully) and tried to get her to look at me. She kept laughing. When I felt the urge to raise my hand (and I was so, so close that I scared myself), I (thankfully) turned the light off and closed her door.
That did it. She started crying and yelling that she was sorry. Why do I fail to remember that sometimes the best way to get through to Elliot isn’t discussion? Or yelling. It’s to deny her attention. Nothing says you mean business like a few seconds of ignoring her.
At this point, Jason hearing Elliot’s cries (probably terrified that I had lifted the moratorium on corporal punishment and hit her repeatedly) came back upstairs. We all calmed down. Seeing that Elliot was sorry for the way she behaved and was upset that we were so mad, we gave her a hug and kiss goodnight and told her that even though we get angry sometimes we still love her.
Reading over what I’ve written makes me fell silly, actually. It seems like the whole situation was so trivial – it’s hard to believe that both of us could have considered hurting someone we love so much over something that seems like no big deal. Sure, when you have a cooler head and aren’t in the depths of anger, you can think rational thoughts like, “She’s only a child.” or “She’s not trying to piss you off on purpose.” Or “Hitting bad. Talking good.” When you’re in the moment though, and you’re tired and the kids have been pushing your buttons all day long, you lose all sense of reason. You fail to think things through and sometimes react in ways you never thought you would.
I would never condone hitting kids and still wouldn’t consider using corporal punishment as a form of discipline. Let me stress that if you do spank your kids, I’m not judging you. Everyone makes decisions based on what’s right for their family and spanking is not something I feel is right for me. I’m convinced that if I were to spank my kids it would be more about me acting out my anger than a disciplinary measure. But I will also admit that it’s easier for me to now understand how parents (even ones who have convinced themselves that they would never use corporal punishment) can hit their child as almost a knee-jerk reaction. A decision made without even thinking. And one that I’m sure most instantly regret.
I try hard not to think in terms of right and wrong and black and white, but I admit to judging people harshly for what I’ve seen as poor decisions. I have sat on my high horse at times so sure that I would have made a better choice given the same circumstances. The next time I feel the need to sit in judgment of another parent, I will try to remember that I wasn’t there. I didn’t feel what they felt. I could have just as easily not have walked away. Not held back. But I did. And I’m glad for it.
Great, honest post. I completely understand what you’re saying and how you feel. I feel horrible when I feel that rage build. Thank goodness for doors that close. I often put both children in their respective rooms when I need a break.
Love the header.
I’m going through that same thing. I’m against spanking but I find it odd how it’s such an instinct when Silas is driving me crazy. I actually went to slap his hand once but I missed and he didn’t notice so I was happy. There’s tons of parents out there who lose it and hit their kids. I have so much trouble not grabbing Silas too hard when I’m angry. I read something recently in a magazine that made me feel better. It just talked about how normal it all was. It scares me though because I was abused as a child and I’m scared that for some reason it’s in my genetic code to have these tendencies or something. Why is it that our minds go there so naturally even though we believe with all of our hearts that it’s not right?
I too disagree with spanking – doesn’t stop me feeling dreadfully remorseful – sick with guilt and generally disgusted at myself to admit that I have snapped, I have acted out my anger and I have given my daughter a clip on the legs.
I understand what you went through, and I admire you for having the self control required.
I feel your pain as well. Not only have I come close to the physical with my own 4 when they were young but also with some students who did their utmost to completely unglue my self control. You deserve a gold star for backing off.
I have come so close many times and even spanked my older daughter once (it was so gentle, I’m not sure it actually qualifies, but still) and even though she wasn’t really hurt, the look she gave me broke my heart. I wish I had never crossed that line, and I have come to the edge more than once since then. It’s hard to back off, and with a room full of poop too… You did good, both of you.
The denial of attention works wonders, when I remember to use it, and besides, then I can take a breath in my own space too.
And hi, by the way. Thanks for the comment, I’ll be back.
This has happened to me.
I know “exactly” those emotions. Exactly.
Kids can really fire us up.
I don’t believe in spanking. Or hitting. And TIME outs work better then anything else here too (in her room – denied attention.)
And even though I know that, my hand raises too on occasion. And once in a while it has come down on her bum. I feel HORRIBLE after. But it is a situation like the poo one – combined with a really overly tired and exhausted mother that makes for us going over the edge.
I know what you are saying. and I feel your pain. Don’t be too hard on yourself though. I am very impressed with your quick reflex to shut the light and close the door. WOW. I am going to use that too one day.
We’re all one loose screw away from being abusive. At least I know I am. Harsh reality to come to. Makes me feel less judgmental. I’m having a horrible time with that lately, my patience with my son went out the window with the birth of my second son. Thank God for self control.
I don’t think anything you said is controversial. We all struggle with this. It is just HARD as hell sometimes.
You and I would be so best friends if we lived next door, except you said this so much better than I ever could have.
great post. and I’ve had similar feelings for less horrifying behavior!
I have been at the brink! I completely understand
There are somethings that on one day can be handled effortlessly and then other days the same incident can send you right over the edge!
Thanks for the honestly – any mother has to admit they’ve been there one time or another. I have crossed that line once and afterwards I think I cried more than my boy did. Then I phoned my husband at work and cried some more. One of my darkest moments of motherhood – brought on by a colicky screaming infant and a miserable 3 year old (not that that’s any excuse). Ugh. Don’t like to think about it! But, that’s what is so great about your blog – honesty – not every moment is “poot and cubby” but we love those annoying little rascals to death.
Great post!
Wonderful post.
I think every parent has had that moment when you just leave a room, shut the door and breathe deeply.
(I cannot even imagine the cleanup involved in what you described!)
Wow. This is why I blog – to know that I’m not alone in even my craziest of moments. Thanks so much everyone for sharing so much of yourselves in the comments. It is so appreciated.
Man!!! We’ve all been there haven’t we? What separates you from the beasts was your decision to take the higher road.
I have nightmares about loosing my cool and dragging my kids around in anger. It’s frightening how frustrated they can make us and how close it all is to the surface.
But we do love them. And they are just children. And you remembered that.
You are SO not alone! My oldest son Zander is 26 months…and he’s a smart little bugger…and he likes to get into trouble…a lot. When we tell him to stop doing something, he laughs at us or smiles or says “no!”…excuse me? I don’t think a 2 year old is allowed to say no to his parents!
I love him beyond words…but sometimes…he makes my blood boil, and I stop just short of the end of my rope!
The important thing is that we recognize the end of said rope, and stop before we go too far. Which you did.
Love the new header, btw!
you know by now that i am going to be another person who says, “yep, i know how you feel. i’ve been there.”
and the laughing? it makes it so much worse.
during a tantrum the other day, pooka sassed me one last time, and i patted her cheek. i didn’t contact all that hard, nor did i intend to. it was an attention getter. she stopped, looked up at me, and said, “that didn’t hurt.”
not in a snotty way, as if to say, “you CAN’T hurt me” but it in a totally clinical way, as if she were critiquing a golf swing.
My daughter did that laughing thing today after she kicked me and hit me. I know the impulse of which you speak.
In fact, as she screamed in her crib (her punishment for hitting), I told her that she was going to learn not to hit and kick without me putting my hands on her.
I think I was reassuring myself more than her.
Then today in the grocery store she tried to hit my mom, who said “gramma hits back.”
That really, really upset me.
This parenting gig, some days it sucks.