Yesterday I was cleaning (and in case you’re wondering that is not the shocking part of this post) and I stumbled upon a draft of a rather disturbing manuscript. Apparently Elliot is tackling the self-help genre. So beware, parents of toddlers and babies – my daughter is attempting to change the face of sibling relationships for the worse. Here, briefly, are just some of the tips she hopes to cover in The Toddler’s Guide to Stealing Attention Away From Rotten Babies:
1) Ensure you constantly interrupt the quiet bonding of breastfeeding. You may approach this several different ways. I have been most successful with asking for food. Grapes. Chocolate milk. Cheese – you get bonus points for this as your mom will have to cut it. Cutting of any food involves her weighing the pros and cons of either feeding the baby with one hand while cutting with the other, or putting the baby down while it screams. If your mother does not believe your assertions that if you don’t receive the requested sustenance immediately you will perish, try another tactic. A solid option is to do something interesting with your bodily fluids. Like, say, peeing your pants. That’ll get her attention and the resultant changing of clothes will ensure the baby is ignored for at least five minutes.
2) Throw shit (not actual shit – well, not unless you’re desperate, but I’ll cover that in a later chapter). Make sure it’s either really heavy so that it will leave permanent marks on the walls or something that breaks into impossibly tiny pieces, like play-doh. This makes clean-up time-consuming and ensures more moments together with mom sans baby. Then when your mom asks you to STOP, smile sweetly and immediately continue. For optimum results also do this while your mom is breastfeeding to test just how easily she can lift a 30-something-pound toddler with one hand to place her on a time-out, while the nursing baby is balanced precariously with the other.
3) When the baby is bathing, take full advantage of its vulnerable position. Attempt to lure your mother away from the bath tub by telling her that you are peeing in the toilet. When she offers you praise, but fails to look directly at you, point it out again. She is sure to be curious why you need to repeat that you are peeing. When she looks at you she will be surprised to see that although your dress has been pulled up, you have left your panties on and are now peeing through them. A note to my male readers – I have no idea how you could get a similar reaction. I’ll leave it up to you to be creative.
4) Pretend like you LOVE the baby. Smother it in kisses and hugs. Get directly into its face – that always makes the baby cry. Then when your mother asks you to stop because you’re angering the baby, innocently state that you’re just trying to show the baby some lovin’. Pitch a fit. Cry. Scream. Thus necessitating another time-out and a few precious seconds alone with your mother.
5) Make friends with paint, ink, markers or any other substance that will make your skin into an anger-inducing piece of art. Apply your masterpiece in quiet and casually emerge from the room for the big reveal. Relish the look of horror on your mother’s face as she wonders how she is going to give you a proper bath while tending the baby. Super bonus points for using a substance that is utterly unwashable.
6) When all else fails, manipulate your mother emotionally. Tell her you love her so much. Even better, tell her you miss her. Then she’ll burst into tears remembering all the quiet times you once shared at bedtime and playtime. The guilt will work wonders – I swear it will score you a visit to the park or at the very least a cuddle and a cookie.
A WORD OF WARNING GENTLE READER – DO NOT TRY AND POISON THE BABY. IT WILL ONLY BACKFIRE. (Here Elliot inserted a link to a truly disturbing YouTube video)
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So, there you have it. Because I fear the corruption of all dear sweet toddlers, I was tempted to burn the manuscript. This would be futile though as my wily daughter surely has a backup copy stashed away in a safe place. So, I thought I should at least give you some warning in case you become suspicious that you are living with one of her co-conspirators. Or do you live with one of Elliot’s co-authors? If so, what tips will they be contributing to the book?
We definitely have Elliot’s co-author in this house – and we have this stuff every single day – Miss E will be 3 in October and Baby J is nine months. I’m still waiting for that ‘it’ll get better thing’
Elliot has one thing on Miss E though that makes her mommy’s life easier – she wears pants and pees in the toilet!!! I think they need a new chapter about how these toddler tactics cannot possibly be performed while encumbered by a bulky old diaper!
Why one child looks more and more managable every single day.
I think I’ll save this to read every time the thought of another child crosses my mind.
Jack has a chapter on “How I will fool my mother with independence”. He liked to say, “I don’t need help going to the bathroom, it’s only pee” and I’d keep feeding Finn — then he’d scream from the bathroom “I pooped – I need help”. EVERY time. Is wiping one child’s bum while breastfeeding the other sanitary???? I think not. But better than listening to a screaming baby.
I’m with Mama Zen… sounds like one to bookmark in the “Note to self about future children idea” file!
Oh, I remember those days. My first two children are just 15 months apart. Those first few months were…interesting. Just when I thought Leah (my second) was safe, Kaleb (my oldest) threw a tub of wet wipes at her head. So I was back to carrying Leah with me to the bathroom. every. time. I. went. They all lived through it, and still compete for mommy’s attention. Good luck (sadly, I think that manuscript is bound to expand…)
I know this behavior well suddenly, too well . Our children may be clones of one another….except for them being opposite genders and all.
This post and that video are too funny!
ooooo, that was funny! You’re so funny. I think I wrote a book like this when my brother was born. He stole my thunder.
Wow. It just reminds me of how hard it is/was.
I have a feeling that Little Guy will be going to the the library to check this one out in a few short weeks. Yikes!
Um… is it possible your budding author contacted my eldest for some of this scary stuff?
Let me add this one, however: Tootie would recommend that when mom sits down to nurse the baby, a toddler should then throw herself on the couch, sobbing, and saying, “Daddy hold the baby! Mommy hold meeeeee…!” If done correctly, the toddler’s fit will prompt a weepy postpartum mother to join in all that sobbing.
Please tell Ell that throwing toy trucks and cars at baby’s head also works. My B man liked to do this while I was nursing his little sister. Sibling rivalry starts at an alarming early age!
Annie – Further proof that we are raising similar girls – Elliot is 3 in October as well. And I actually think diapers is easier – at least there’s not the urgency associated with them as there is the potty.
Moosh – Where were you when I was thinking I could handle two of the short people?
Mama Zen and AbsolutelyBananas- Good idea.
Teri – You kill me. And nope, probably not sanitary, but I’ve given up on caring about such things and just do what I have to to survive.
Shauna – 15 months? You are a brave woman.
Jennifer – Yes, thank God we live so far apart so they are unable to conspire together.
SlackerMommy and Mrs.FierceShoes – Thanks.
Oh, The Joys – But it gets easier, right? Right?
Mommy off the Record – I thought about you while I was writing this as I know this is in your foreseeable future. I hope I haven’t freaked you out. If anything, though, I guess it makes for good blog fodder.
Arkie Mama – I knew Tootie had something to do with this. She sounds like a cunning little monkey, that one. And I hear you about the sobbing thing. I’m still waiting to gain immunity from Elliot’s obvious attempts to manipulate my emotions.
LMAO!
Ok, seriously number 4 my 4 year old must have taught to Elliot.
Rugrat has now taken to trying to smother the baby (13 months) when I’m not looking, yet trying to tell me that she’s just playing.
ok that video was very disturbing and hilarious.
I’m glad silas isn’t old enough to be THAT clever.
[...] good grief! Don’t let your toddler read this. Look away if you love Crocs. Please commiserate with L. Go Wendy, Go Wendy, it’s your birthday! I [...]
Oh parenthood!
Hysterical!!
[...] 2007 by pootandcubby You knew it was bound to happen – Elliot has added an additional chapter to her book. This one is titled “Divert Attention From the Baby Creature By Being the Cutest You Can [...]
Oh yes, been there. But I had the throw shit thing. The real thing.
Great post.
Hilarious. That’s it, just hilarious… oh, and true. Okay, two things, hilarious and true.