A post in which I expose my inner dork, possibly make you feel uncomfortable and contemplate hitting “unsubscribe”…
This post is something that has been stewing for awhile and it appears I’m not the only one thinking about why I blog and how it affects my life.
Since I can remember, I have been an obsessive writer. Fiction. Poetry. Journals. I write to silence the voices in my head. To compile the phrases I scribble on tiny pieces of paper scattered throughout my house. To interpret reality and make a piece of it my own. And since there’s very little chance of ever seeing my words in print, blogging turned out to be the perfect platform to continue my writing. As an added bonus, it gives me instant feedback which is heaven to someone who loves attention, but fears the rejection of exposing her true self to her real-life peers.
When I started blogging, my readers consisted of my grandma, my aunt, and my sister. I had no idea what was going on in the larger blogging community. I read about 5 other big blogs but was clueless about how to find others like me.
Then a small miracle occurred. Two huge bloggers linked to me. All of a sudden everything exploded. I discovered new blogs whose authors were kindred spirits. People I didn’t know were reading my blog. But with popularity (and minimal popularity, at that) comes a responsibility and a stress I didn’t know existed. I began reading an insane amount of blogs. Commenting all over the place. Posted too much and too self-consciously. Became obsessed with blog stats. Soon I had very little time left to actually write. I stopped doing other things I enjoyed. Like knitting. Reading. Hanging out with my family. It’s true: I became addicted to the internet and my blogging community.
For those who don’t blog, it is hard to explain the lure of reading strangers’ blogs. For me, it was a means of escaping reality. A reality that is incredibly lonely. Filled with days that all run together in their similarities and well-worn routines. A world populated by me and my kids and the occasional guest star to brighten an otherwise mundane day.
I have always found it difficult to make true connections with others. Besides a few knitters and neighbors that I occasionally hang out with, I feel on the outs with most people. I either determine that I don’t have much in common with other moms when I meet them, or if I like them immediately, I fear they will soon discover they are much too cool to be hanging out with the likes of me. I fear they won’t accept me as I am. That they will notice that I am sloppy at editing things that come out of my mouth. I find comfort in writing. Where I can fix things and create the illusion of being well-spoken. When speaking without the safety net of the delete key, I often wish that I would have phrased things differently. That each carelessly spoken word is proof of my unworthiness to be someone’s friend.
You can imagine my excitement then, when I found all of you. When for the first time I had a place outside of my family where I felt I belonged. People who liked me at my most vulnerable and honest. People I would be terrified to approach if I saw them at the playground, but who I was confident reaching out to in the safety of this world. The girl who has lived most of her life inside of her head, more comfortable thinking, reading and writing about life rather than participating in it, thanks you for your friendship. Sadly, I became so elated with my new online group of friends that I neglected my outside life. My real life. And although I crave your words, your acceptance, and your support, I cannot meet you and your kids for play dates. I cannot go out for a drink with you because you are scattered all over North America. And the truth is: I’m here. Alone.
I need to put more time and effort into living. Outside the walls of my computer. Into cultivating friendships with people whose smiles I can see. Whose laughter I can hear. Into living in the moment and playing with my kids.
I still need to continue blogging. But this may mean that I will post less often. This may also mean that I’ll read less. I’ve already begun prioritizing my reads. I’ve stopped feeling guilty for not commenting on every post I read, because sometimes I’ve left comments only in hopes of soliciting traffic and not because I’ve been moved by what someone has written. I’m going to focus on reading the writers I love. The people I’ve made meaningful connections to. And I hope that anyone who reads my blog does so for the same reasons. Because they enjoy reading it. Not because they feel some sort of obligation to be here. In return, I will write for the reasons I began blogging in the first place – to practice my obsessive writing. To celebrate my children. To provide a forum for self-reflection.
So in short (ya, because I’m all about the brevity, in case you haven’t noticed) I may be around less often in the blogosphere, but I will continue to gently stalk my favorite virtual pals. I will also continue to participate in the blogging community in a capacity that my real life can handle. In the end I hope that my children (and my husband, because I’m sure he has needs too, but God knows I’m too busy to pay attention to them sometimes) will remember that my top priority is to participate in their lives. To try to carve out a perfect place in their reality, rather than focusing on perfecting my written accounts of it for others’ enjoyment.
Wonderfully written. Enjoy the world around you.
Well said! I see too spend too long in Blogland! I think I manage to keep a balance between this and my wifely and mothering roles. Keeping up with the housework? Eh, not so much!
One thing I will say is that I know people have met through blogs – perhaps there are Canadian mommy bloggers nearby that you can meet at the playground someday? I hope so. If we were closer I’d definitely be setting up a playdate – I think our two little ladies would get on famously! (or put each other in their places, some one of the two! )
Well said, Andi. It’s not worth feeling stressed out about reciprocal commenting. It’s amazing how fast it goes from being something one does to unwind, to an obsession full of pressures you never knew existed.
You said it so well! This is what I wished my post would have said.
It’s a hard addiction to break, but I’m sure it’s worth it. The stress of blogging sure isn’t worth it.
No one needs more stress in their lives, especially from something that is supposed to be a hobby.
Well said, friend, enjoy your day outside in the sunshine with your real life. I’ll be back any time you choose to post.
The world is out there waiting for the pleasure of your company. Your presence will enrich their world as it has mine.
Hey – completely understood. I will continue to read and look forward to your posts – I feel you have a completely rationale, well-grounded and similar outlook on life and parenting and that’s what draws me. Not the fact that I’ve met you a few times and shared some knitting. I’ll still be here….
Well said Andi.
You know, since I blog a lot about farts and vuh jay jay, I’m all about people thinking I speak proper. thehehehe har har tehehe.
You’re right….life should be about experiencing it ALL. Everyone has their own balance.
Obsessing over blog traffic….not fun. Writing about farts and skid marks…lots of fun for me. At times, I think of removing site meter. But then I think it’s fun to read the crazy google searches. So I keep it.
Follow your fun Andi…wherever it goes! I’ll be here to read about it whenever you are ready to tell the story.
Wonderful post.
I read a TON more then I comment. I too started commenting to generate traffic, but slowly realized that I was dropping bombs like the *awwww hugs* from message boards, which I completely detest.
Now I try to have something witty/intelligent to say when I comment or I really don’t want to waste the authors time.
SOMETIMES I even leave a small “Hi” to let them know I was there.
Depends.
Most important is that you do what you love, and if reading and commenting is taking away from the writing, then limit it. The people that enjoy you WILL be back regardless.
Oh, the trouble I cause! (Kidding).
I think it is safe to say that all of us experience this – the initial lure of it, feeling overwhelmed, pulling back (and the circle game goes round and round.)
Ditto, my friend. At home, I started turning off the computer when S was awake, and I found it made a big difference. Now, if I can only get my ass off it in the evening and back to my knitting…oh, and my husband
Although, I do use my computer to write music, so I think that should still be allowed, no?
This is such a wonderful post… it just shows what an amazing writer you are. Really, really well said. Kudos to you for making this step… it’s a hard one to acknowledge and then to do. But life is worth it. (now if only I could follow in your footsteps!!) Take care!!!!!
great post…but please, please don’t disappear. i only recently found you!!!!!!!!
You just do what you gotta do and we’ll continue to read your blog and hold your kid at SnB. Speaking of which, can you make it to the beer garden? I’m sure we’ll be able to sneak in the little dude.
“if I like them immediately, I fear they will soon discover they are much too cool to be hanging out with the likes of me”
Oh, I so hear you on that.
I’ve recently found a new friend, and feel that way. Especially when I called her over the weekend and she was busy with a dinner party. *sniff*
I too, need to spend more time off the computer. I realized recently that I am a much better mom now that I am working full time, and the computer is on very little now (I’m finishing up lunch, then its back to work for me!).
But hey, I’m in Edmonton quite a bit. Perhaps…er…um…we could I dunno…meet at a…er……mmmm….(Ok, I’m sweating over here) WEM and let the older kids go play at Galaxy land and we can bond over coffee and babies?
Wow, did you write that post or did I? I’m exactly the same as you. I’m not as obsessive about blog stats like I used to be though. I did the same thing, comments just to make hits on my own site. I think I’ve found a balance but I still suck at reaching out to people in my real life unless they’re family or I’ve known them forever. Perhaps you’ve inspired me to join the mom group that meets in my townhouse complex although I’m scared they’ll all notice the full body sweat I get when I’m in the presence of strangers.
well said. i’ve tagged you and i’m sharing you.
Ah, dude!! See? There’s no way I could say it better. No way. I simply just don’t have the capacity. (Or both hands to type most days)
Go enjoy! I’m around off and on myself these days. My thing? If there’s a glare on the screen, get off the computer and go outside. Amen.
Muwha!
I need to take your advice, get off the computer, and LIVE. Damn blogs just suck me in!
Go! Play! Now!
You’re right — it’s so difficult to keep it fun and relaxing, as opposed to stressful and obligatory.
You put it so well.
Please stalk me while you take time for yourself. Because it is all about me
I get what you’re saying, and I think there’s a lot of this going around now. Get yerself centered, girl, and then come on back!
I sometimes feel inferior in your presence, Anya, cos you are HUGE to me and oh so wise. You, my little one, are my hero and the best neice anyone could ever hope for. Keep on enjoying your life and our little ones. Thanks for sharing…miss you tons!
As long as I can still Poot your Cubby I’ll be happy.
You are one of my absolute favorites, I don’t know why and I don’t even care if you like me. There’s very few blogs I feel that way about.
Enjoy the flowers.
Aw, Internets. This is why I just can’t quit you…
Thanks for your wonderful comments. I feel so much better now. I think everyone struggles at some point to find a balance between all the things that are competing for our attention. I talked to my mom about this and she said that even though she didn’t have the internet while she was raising us, she often felt guilty for reading or sewing instead of playing with us kids. So mommy guilt really is fueled by many different mediums…
I did not intend to quit blogging or infer that any of you are the reason for my stress (I love every single one of you), but I do know that I sometimes use participating in this virtual world as a means of avoiding making connections with people in my real life. Because sometimes that scares the crap out of me. What I want to ideally do is to commence Operation: Become Less of a Social Leper and continue hanging out with all of you fabulous people, too. You know, strike a balance between the two. Because you truly have enriched my life in ways I never thought possible. And I thank you for that.
Oh, and of course, I cannot forget my IRL commenters…
Grandma – You are one of the main reasons that I write. Because you’ve encouraged it since I was a kid. And I love that you visit my blog and leave me the sweetest comments.
Larsen – That is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me. Thank you. I can hardly wait until you get your ass back into the city so that we can hang out.
Sarah – I know you struggled with this too. This week we will party like it’s 1999 (and like we are childless).
Joline and Teri – You two rule. I love that you come by and visit my virtual home.
Oh you’re in the reader. I’ll take whatever posts of yours I can get.
Do what you have to do. Do what you love. I completely get it.
Is it ironic that this post compels me to subscribe to your blog? You broke up with me before I even got a chance to ask you out. Hmmph. I’m just saying.
(We both have Mrs. Chicken to thank for this new stalker-ship.)
I need to become a mom again, and then a blogger. Thanks for the gentle reminder!
Good. Nicely done. And I support you in this.
(Even though, like HalfMama, I just found you tonight — and love your words!)
I’ll be back.
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