It’s been over a year since my brother, Tony and his very pregnant wife, Sarah, moved away for a two-year sentence in a crap town to work for the company that paid for his pharmacy degree. They and my nephew, Sacha, now one, just finished visiting home for a month. Yesterday, they left.
When my brother moved to the other side of the country, I was devastated. I never thought anyone in my family would move away. It’s true that sometimes I dream of living somewhere more glamorous. Somewhere exciting. But I would never be able to leave them. Home is where my family is. Where my children can grow up knowing their grandparents. Their aunts and uncles.
I know that two years is short in the big picture. So far, it has been a time of many adjustments. Accepting that my siblings and I are now adults. Adults with ties outside of our original family. Ties that make me miss my childhood. Responsibilities that leave only small allowances for my brother and I to share uncontrollable giggling fits. Me adjusting to missing two of my best friends. Mourning the fact that I will miss the first few years of my nephew’s life.
These adjustments are fueled by the uncertainty of where they will settle once their mandatory stay in that place has ended. Wondering if we will ever live near enough to each other again to hold impromptu game nights and wine tastings (or rather, gulpings). For Sarah to pop in to visit me and break up the monotony of my stay-at-home day. To dance a crazy dance for Elliot. Or for me to have the chance to repay countless kindnesses they gifted me when I was having a rough day.
When they are gone, the hurt fades to a barely detectable numbness. Sometimes I almost forget they are there and I am here, thanks to the wonders of the telephone and my good friend, the Internet. Then when they are here, I’m reminded of all the things I should be missing. Mostly I miss the family dinners, which don’t seem quite right without them. Our chattering, joking family is now a puzzle missing three of its important middle pieces – almost, but not quite, complete. And as much as it’s difficult for everyone here, I can’t imagine how hard it is to be them. In a place they cannot call home. Three pieces joined together, but separated from their larger whole.
Yesterday, we said goodbye. Again. Knowing that we will not see each other for almost another year. I find these scenes more difficult now that I have children. Now that I see myself in my crying mother. Wondering how I would cope if it were Elliot leaving on a plane to work in her newly chosen career, as a doctor. It is also harder now that Elliot understands more. She asks why they have to live far away. I don’t know how to explain these things to a child. I didn’t know how to stop her from crying and begging her aunt and uncle and cousin to come home with her. To stay with her. I didn’t know how to stop myself from crying, either, especially after her outburst and fierce devotion to these people she desperately misses without knowing why. And then I came home and read this and I cried all over again. To think that my sweet and crazy girl would make someone want to have children made me so grateful. Grateful for all I have. For family that loves me, my husband, and children.
I know to some people this attachment to my siblings may seem odd. Juvenile. That I should accept that people get older and move away. The sensitive child that still lives inside me finds this difficult to manage. I’m working hard to see the half-full glass in front of me. The glass that whispers that I’m lucky to have people to miss. To love them that much. Rather than being someone who is a stranger to these feelings. Someone who could only mourn the loss of something they’ve never had.
The sensitive child in me knows exactly how you feel. It’s so hard, these comings and goings.
Beautifully said.
Wow that was awesome.
I’m sorry you are sad.
Goodbyes are never easy.
I don’t think you ever saw my crazy Proud Mary dance. Maybe you wouldn’t miss me so much if you had…HA!
But seriously, this is a gooder, and I couldn’t have written it better myself.
AHHH! That comment was MINE! No credit for Tony.
I have been through many, many similar goodbyes and the transatlantic trips that follow them, and I KNOW how much it hurts. It’s hard to be all grown up about it – I know this, too.
I have had 5 years worth of these goodbyes and while they do make the reunions all the sweeter – they are still painful and much as I would love to say it gets easier – it doesn’t.
I feel desperately sad at times that we are raising our kids so far away from their grandparents – I feel like we are robbing our parents of time with our kids, and vice versa. But, this is the way it has to be for us right now, and so we do what we can to make it okay.
Webcams were the best investment we have ever made! And, Nana can do some virtual babysitting for me at times. I have sat Miss E down in front of this screen to chat and ‘play’ with my Mum and Dad long enough to let me get dinner started – it’s great!
Thank goodness for webcams, phones and blogs. Too bad they can’t be hugged.
Quit making me cry!
Sniff
Seriously -would you stop making me cry. Come on.
This makes me miss my own brother, who lives four hours away, four hours that on balance shouldn’t be a barrier but, because of the difficulty of coordinating his family’s and my family’s increasingly complicated schedules, end up being so.
Ben and Jack have a cousin, and he has them for cousins, but they barely know one another.
And that, it’s sad.
OK stop it. I miss them and I’ve never even met them.
Beautiful. Andi.
And I know this feeling, except I am the one winging off from home to a place that feels more like prison than home. It is especially hard now because my father is dead.
When my niece used to come and visit, back when she was the only baby in the family, my heart would feel brittle for days.
Thinking of you, and Mrs. Mustard, and hoping this year goes quickly.
i am so sad that my siblings live all over the place – chicago, nyc and nashville. it’s SO hard. i feel you, my dear! {hugs}
Oh boy do I know how you feel, except I’m the one in exhile.
I mourn everyday that my kids won’t truly know their grandparents and aunts and uncles. We’ll most likely never live in the same city as any of them.
Thank goodness for the Internet and phones and highways and planes.
Somehow, everything is different when you’re a mom, too.
Me and my parents are on the east coast, while my sister has migrated to California, and my brother to Colorado. It’s really hard, especially since me and my sister are very close, and I know that she’ll never be able to have a relationship with my children. To them, she’s a voice on the phone, a birthday card, and a Christmas visit.
I miss her and my brother all the time, but like you, try to be greatful I have such great people to miss, and know that they’re only a phone call away.
It sucks that having a close family means feeling sad when they have to be far away from you. But I don’t think it’s weird that you miss your brother. I miss my brothers a lot and they’re only a three hour drive away from me.
You are so blessed to have such a close relationship with your family!
Your words make me hopeful that my girls will have that.
I’m and only child, and a child of divorce. Glens sisters are too busy watching Eastenders from three years ago to go have a relationship that dosen’t involve a TV, let along swapping DNA with someone to make nieces and nephews for me to coddle.
We are quite alone in this world. I’m often, no, always envious of relationships like yours. I’d love to know what it was like to grow up in a non mentally ill family.
Even with thousands of miles away, you are still family. You are still loved. You are still envied.
Oh honey. I know.
Even though I spent the better part of five years over the road and away from my family, they were always there when I made it home. Home. Mmm such a foreign concept now.
When my sister and her family left in November I didn’t think I would ever take a deep breath without it hurting again. Not that I didn’t see her in JANUARY but …you know. Now that we are all here together it’s better (recent events notwithstanding) but man I can’t wait till my parents get here in a few weeks.
This place won’t ever feel like home but I hope it will get better once my family is all together again.
Sorry for hijacking your comments but I feel for you and that family-missing hurt. Hugs.
You are SOOO lucky! I have one sister. She is fantastic. She is mentally disabled, so while we have a great relationship and I love her more than anything, we never shared clothes, swapped boyfriend stories, she’ll not get married or have kids. So as great as it is to have her, it’s special in a different way, and I don’t have a lot of the experiences siblings might share. My husband has 2 brothers and 1 sister, so I thought that was great when we got married. We’d spend time with them, vacation together, I’d get to be an aunt for the first time, etc… But they just are not close at all. They could only see each other at Christmas and that would be cool. Once his mom is gone, they may not even do that. I do have a sister-in-law I’m especially fond of and we’re hoping to stay close and raise our boys to know each other, but our husbands, who are brothers for heaven’s sake, will have to be dragged along with this plan.
Keep counting your blessings!
What a beautiful post Andi.
Beautiful.
Any other words are failing me right now.
I feel for you, Andi. My brother lives 3 hours away with his wife, daughter and newborn son. Even though they are close enough to drive for a visit, it’s hard to travel with our boys and all of their health issues, and to coordinate with their busy schedule. I miss my brother so much. We are best friends, and always have been…which makes it harder that he isn’t just down the street. And it pains me that my boys are growing up seeing him only a few times a year.
I’m sorry your brother is even further away…I can’t imagine how hard that is for you.
Being that little girl as you are I despise change and wish that everything and everyone remained the same. I still grieve over my babys first day at school. Grade 11!!!!! I wish that you don’t have to go through another goodbye only hello’s. Love you and I am blessed to have you and your babes close to me cause I’m selfish.
wonderful post. i certainly can empathize with you. my older sister was practically my whole world when we were little. now i’m in michigan and she’s in florida. it’s definitely tough.