Dear Belly,
There’s no gentle way to say this so I’m just going to throw it out there – you’re fired!
Yes. I know we’ve had some good times. There was that fleeting moment 12 years ago when I reached my goal weight and briefly considered showcasing you in a bikini. Or the few years where you responded kindly to my regular running. But I think we both know that the honeymoon is over.
I realize you endured a ridiculous amount of stretching while accommodating two large, wiggly house guests for 9 months, but come on! We’re talking about one baby at a time. I was not unreasonable enough to ask you to provide room and board for twins or anything. And my pregnancy weight gain was kept to a minimum.
After baby #1, you still loved me, didn’t you Belly? You bounced back into pre-baby mode 6 weeks post-partum with nary a whimper. Your past agreeable behavior makes your present insubordination all the more confusing and hurtful. Did child #2 really inconvenience you so much to make me suffer so? Or perhaps you’ve decided to start a new fad – pregnant chic, is it?
At any rate, I’m tired of waiting for you to spring back. Almost four months after the wee boy was born and I’m still schlumping around in my increasingly tattered maternity wear. Sure, I can wrestle on my pre-pregnancy pants, but you my friend, cannot be contained within their weak walls. You insist upon escaping their inadequate borders only to cause unsightly spillage over their overwhelmed waistlines.
Today, tired of looking like Frump Mama, I broke down and went shopping for new clothes. I was horrified to discover that your awkward, bulging girth could only be comfortably stuffed into a much larger size than I’m accustomed to. And don’t even get me started on the shirts I didn’t buy. When did freakishly tall bulimic teenagers eat up the entirety of the clothing market, only to puke out us normal, if slightly overweight, women in the XL section?
But I digress. I must also inform you, Belly, that I have discovered your conspiracy with Brain. Evil Brain that has convinced my delusional self that chips/pop/cheesecake/ice-cream/chocolate won’t have any affect on your size whatsoever due to the calorie-burning magic of breastfeeding. Don’t think I won’t fire Brain’s ass too – the way she acts lately, I swear she’s already quit anyway.
I know your dismissal may come as a surprise, especially since we’ve spent many hours collaboratively composing hate mail to Giant Thighs and Wobbly Upper Arms. Sadly, you are now Private Enemy #1 and I must be rid of you. I expect you to pack your things and vacate the premises promptly.
I will be interviewing candidates for your position with the competent assistance of Tiny Wrists and Clear Facial Skin – those two have never betrayed me. We are looking for a Belly with the following characteristics – 1) Taut skin – a little flab is permissible – we’re realistic about a mother’s Belly limitations (especially those who are unwilling to seek surgical assistance) 2) A pierceable button – not that I ever would pierce it, I just like knowing it’s a possibility; and 3) Outgoing – that is, one that’s comfortable in public, not the sad, embarrassing spectacle you’ve become, alternating between shy, hiding wallflower and pushy, obnoxious drunk that everyone else tries to avoid eye-contact with.
Thank you for your service and I hope you find another position befitting your qualifications. Like on the underside of a large barnyard animal. I really must go – those impressive Belly resumes aren’t going to read themselves.
Regards,
andi
I’m so, so happy I checked my Bloglines before bed. I had the most miserable day, and the fit of giggles this brought out washed away much of the stress born tension.
You? Are fabulous. And you are so getting some linky love for this one.
Oh Andi! You just made my day. I’m so sorry you are feeling the need to fire unruly appendages
Brain should definatley be the first to go as doubling sweet/salt intake during this time is abosolutely allowed and should be encouraged without deception LOL. I’ve given up on the the whole piercable belly button..hmmm, maybe the nose? afterall Clear Facial Skin has never revolted 
Hugs and kisses to Elliot and Arlo
That was flabulous.
Thank you for that. I will send one to my belly as well.
um, yes, me too.
only my baby is over 2…and i’ve still got this belly…grrr…
I’m glad kymburleev added this link on her post. That was great. I particularly laughed at the wobbly upper arms–one I’m trying to “dismiss”. Thanks
Don’t ever fire your smile. It is gorgeous! I should have fired my belly years ago.
HAAA HAAAA HAAAAA — Belly laugh funny!! (Pun intended).
Thanks for the giggles to start a dreary, rainy day!
I needed that one. I’ll fire mine too, along with my brain.
Your vision and my vision of yourself are completely different. I’ve rarely seen you an obnoxious drunk although clearly you’ve witnessed me. You, my sweetness, are be-you-ti-ful, jelly belly and all. I marveled at the fashion show wishing I had your youth and beauty. Really, who are we trying to impress but ourselves. Fucking mirrors anyway!!
That was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time! Thanks for the laugh!
Maybe there’s a place where banished bellies go? Bellywood perhaps?
If you’re firing works can you please let me know. I am a 33 year old woman who doesn’t wear low-rise jeans and I still fight that damn muffin top. NOT fair.
Perhaps the reason it wants to hang around is because you call it belly. Perhaps warrior shield, or protective armor. THen it would whip itself up into shape in no time!
Bahahah! Look I even came out of Lurkdom to comment on that. At least you have two precious kids out of the deal. My belly revolted PRIOR to housing infants and now I’m in the process of “garnishing it’s salary” to hopefully get her back in shape. I may have to fire mine if performance doesn’t improve.
PS. Your blog rocks my world and I check it everyday, even if I’m justa creepy lurker.
Hmm, can I borrow your letter?
LMAO! I needed that. Thanks for the laugh
Funny how many of those “dismissal letters” were employment-related. This one, on the other hand, was very clearly a break-up letter. If only it were that easy…
I’m emailing this letter to my belly AND my ass as they are both fat and lazy and spend ungodly amounts of time on the computer.
Have I told you lately that I love you?
So funny, Andi!
well done!
Yes, I’ll be needing a copy of this letter, oh, in about 5 months.
Great post.
I should have sent mine packing years ago…
While I admit it’s tempting, I don’t blame my belly for doing the same things yours is doing – I hold my children accountable. Maybe I’ll print this out and just replace the word “belly” with “children.” I’m always looking for new ways to send them to therapy, you don’t mind being an accomplice, do you?
p.s. I love the letter, it’s brilliant!
absolutely brilliant! well done
LOVE THIS!
I took my poorly performing belly for a three mile walk around a beautiful lake this morning. I pushed it’s two hefty former inhabitants in their stroller around with us.
Now my hips and general pelvic region have gone on strike, and a BPAA (Body Parts Against Abuse) Union is forming as we speak!
Apparently my brain has been affected by too much fresh air today, too – that should of course read ‘its’, and not ‘it’s’
I’m jealous that you still have the clear facial skin going for you. Mine went back to being 12 after I stopped the pill after my husband was snipped.
It’s lovely being an overweight mom with teenage acne.
I’m forwarding your letter on my my pregnant-looking-non-pregnant belly.
You bounced back into pre-baby mode 6 weeks post-partum with nary a whimper.”
Ok, I say this with total love….bite me.
bwahahahaha!
I didn’t even get the quick post partum belly the first time.
However, I can recommend a new diet craze that is sweeping the Shake-Shake. The CRAPtastic diet works wonders….WONDERS….on belly bulge.
[...] the Chocolate’s “Holy Moly!” Poot and Cubby’s “Letter of Dismissal” Meanwhile’s “Let Me Count the Ways” Mamma Love’s “Brother For [...]
That. was. awesome! Now if only it was that easy…
loved that! 16 months baby 2 i’m still trying to lose weight from baby number 1! can i have your old belly when you replace it? sounds like a step up from mine!
This letter is being sent to my belly today. Thanks for saving me some time!
What? I’m not the only one with a belly that deserves firing? I am truly, truly shocked (ha ha). As usual, your comments made my day and had me cracking up. Oh, and seikashaven, thanks for delurking. That was ever so sweet of you.
Came over from Suburban Oblivion. I so love this. I can relate. Oh how I can relate.
May I borrow this letter for my belly ?
Love. This. Post. This (and other posts) are SO why you deserve the award I am giving you today.
I am also forwarding this letter to my belly, arms, etc.
This was fantastic! (Moosh sent me) Mind if I borrow your letter and send it to my belly?
I think this is my new favorite post ever. My belly needs a good firing. Or maybe rehab, which is what I’m currently trying to pursue (freakin’ tenure belly)…
i totally love this. i’d like to print it and bring it to tomorrow’s weight watcher’s meeting. this would kick the butt of that poem our leader always tried to amuse us with.
oh you are too funny!
[...] 8th, 2007 by pootandcubby 1. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Since attempting to fire your belly may prove unsuccessful, you might want to consider other avenues. Like exercise. Seeing your [...]
[...] seems as though my belly is far too loyal and ignored my impassioned firing of it months ago. It has also hired on 1000 of its closest friends to hang out on my [...]
That was fully funny. Do you think you’ve started a trend of people dismissing their body parts that fail to measure up? I have two feet that I’d fire in a second…
Tks for nice post