Well, three is here and it arrived with a vengeance. I know in the grand scheme of things my kid is well-behaved, especially when she’s in public (it’s all a sham, people - don’t believe her delightful on-screen persona). At home she can alternate between angel recently descended from heaven to halo-crushing demon spawn in a heartbeat.
I tell myself that maybe she’s just so brilliant that she quickly gets bored at home. Or that maybe telling her 1000 times a day that her rough hugs or nose-to-nose chats with her brother can really anger or hurt him, just isn’t enough. Maybe I need to try 1100 times and she’ll get the message.
This weekend was hard (remember when a long weekend meant relaxation and fun?) On Monday, I was in tears because I’d already lost count of time-outs by noon and we were going to Thanksgiving dinner/Elliot’s family birthday party. At that moment I didn’t think this little person deserved to get any presents or eat any chocolate cake. Of course, by the time we arrived, she was a picture-perfect, patient girl.
Sometimes I try really hard to look on the bright side and tell myself that brief moments of misbehavior are far fewer in number than the good times. That she’s only three. That it’s my responsibility to teach her how to behave. That she is not being incredibly irritating on purpose. That overall she is a sweet, kind-hearted kid. Sometimes, though, I lose sight of this. For just a fleeting moment, my anger takes control and I let myself focus on all of her negatives. And that makes me feel ashamed. And incredibly guilty.
People always tell me that this time in my kids’ lives will go quickly. They make it seem like it’s all magic and wonder. And sure, sometimes it is. But sometimes it just plain sucks.
There’s a reason that the word “nostalgia” only refers to the past. It’s easy to weed out all of the horrible times and long for the flowers that remained, but when you’re in the thick of it, sometimes you struggle to tell the weeds and the flowers apart. Or it seems as though you are standing in a giant weed garden.
I know I must be persistent for the sake of my happiness (and my kids’), to find these hiding flowers. Tell me, where do yours grow? And on a crappy day when you’re knee deep in a field of weeds, how do you find them?
Oh, I know, I know. I think I’m just cranky by disposition. I’m no good at finding the flowers through the weeds.
I wish I were.
I’m not sure it’s possible to find the flowers in the weeds when you are standing in the middle of a weed-growth spurt type of day. Like the forest for the trees thing, maybe?
I know that with my little boys, who are 5 years and 9 months old, I can find the flowers a lot easier because one flower, my daughter, has grown, bloomed, and she doesn’t live in my flower patch any more. She was the type they call a “strong-willed” child (good grief - that book never helped me), and I’d give anything for a day of it back just to hug her small again; just for her biggest problem or worry to be that I’m mad because she wrote on the dining room walls.
It’s just hard on everyone. It probably doesn’t help but you are not alone! Chin up!
Whoever made up the statement about the terrible two’s? Fuck it lasts till 5!!!I found my flowers hiding in the liquor cabinet! I too was an angry momma at times and resentful because she wouldn’t grow up and behave. Now look at my little sweetpee…..I too wish I could have her back to hug her small again Amy! Hang in there Anya. You’re doing your bestest.
I *try* to remember how lucky I am. Lucky being hard to grasp and believe sometimes, but lucky, nonetheless. It doesn’t necessarily work, but I try.
I think the “terrible twos” are a sham - it’s three you have to watch out for (and maybe four, since my daugher is just shy of four and we still have many days like the one you just described.)
The only thing that really helps me to see the flowers is leaving the “weeds” in the care of someone else for a few hours. Without fail, when I return there are flowers a’bloomin’ everywhere (or at least I don’t notice the weeds as much).
Hang in there. I hear ya, sister!
Just keep looking at life as “the glass is half full” and be sure to keep yours filled.
Someone said to me once, that if other people say that you have a wonderdul daughter, you’ve done a good job. When she goes to school, the teachers will tell you the same thing, and you might find it hard to believe. I wish I lived closer to you, so that I could take that little precious weed off your hands, for some bonding with that Great Aunt she barely knows.
Try to enjoy a 3 year old, because 13 is just around the corner.
Oh Andi - I understand. The days of the countless timeouts. I’ve been there. I think that 3 is worse than 2. I don’t know when Jack started getting better, but at some point over the last year he did. He still gets his fair share of time outs but they are definitely fewer. Not that that’s any consolation - b/c when you’re in the middle of it there are no flowers. And weeds smell like shit.
I had a comment here earlier and then my computer went all nuts on me and obviously it didn’t post.
Just wanted to say I hear ya! On ALL of this.
Yes, everyone talks as if raising kids is all sunshine and daisies.
I have no secret for getting out of the rough times. Only to take it a moment at the time. I don’t see the sense in trying to force ourselves to feel something that isn’t there. As if we don’t have the right to be pissed off at the kids? Come on, they can be total assholes. Be pissed off for a while…you probably deserve to be pissed off. Sometimes just giving ourselves permission to be mad helps it go away faster.
From 2-4 is a hard age. I didn’t love it, but I loved the boys anyway. And now that we’re on the other side of it, I realize I didn’t fuck them up because I wasn’t the always loving and patient mother. You won’t screw yours up either.
Hang in there!
My own feelings. 100%. Exactly.
Our kids would get along in an interesting fashion, I think.
I also think that fact that we care/worry/obsess about such things means we’re fabulous mothers. Really.
My answer to it all is to blog. If she does something really horrid, I take a picture and blog about it. It makes it better somehow. And blogging about the sweet moments helps too. I click on my Emma label every now and again, when I’m having a really, really bad day with her, and yeah…it makes it better.
As you can see, I’m in an eloquent mood today. =P
Right…terrible 2s is such a misnomer. 3 was worse for us. 4 is a bit better but we’re not completely free of tantrums.
Sometimes ,dammit, I give myself a time out. I just walk away…walk away from the kid drama (until they’ve calmed down) so I don’t go totally apeshit crazy
One day at a time right ?
Where do I find the flowers on days like what you just described?
During naptime. Accompanied by HGTV and two cups of tea.
I’m a daycare worker, with no kids of my own yet, but I’ve worked primarily with 2’s and then got the chance to move up to the 3’s room and OH. MY. GOD. On some days they can be the most hideous little beasts known to man. And I watch somewhere between 20-23 of them 8 hours a day five days a week. I know it’s not the same as parenthood, but trust me, it can be very, very trying at times. What I try to do is keep something funny or sweet in mind when there is no fun or sweetness to be had in the child.
For instance, one morning there was a car accident on the way from the child’s home to the daycare. His mom told him, “we have to go now, there’s an accident on the street.”
and the kid said, “Is it a pee or a poop?”
It was hysterical! And on some days when looking at that kid makes my eyes burn and my bile curdle, I try to think of the funny, sweet things he is capable of when he is having a good day.
Hope that helps, and if not, walk away and take some time to yourself….that’s a good one too, if you can swing it.
The memory of the weeds fades over the years and is replaced by pride and amazement. This fact probably doesn’t help right now but we are available . Drop E and A off sometime and go for tea.
Oh Mommy, you’re so sweet and right! I remember a time when you were angry at a neighborhood kid who just stuck gum on our window and you eloquently took it off and stuck in in his hair! As Scarley says, “Grandma’s don’t get mad!” Grandma’s always have time for tea Anya.
I understand the tears and the guilt. Being a mom is not easy and it seems even harder with two. Go easy on yourself.
And you know, sometimes I like to give MYSELF a timeout. And it always includes chocolate or something else equally satisfying.
I probably could use a lesson or two on flower-finding.
I find it much easier to flee for a bit, even if it’s to the bathroom. Then I try and do what you’ve said yourself–remind myself not to take things personally, and that they are only children.
Not that this is easy, mind you.
Yesterday was that day for me. By five o’clock all three of us (Steve was still at work) were in tears and I was so overwhelmed that I just didn’t even know what to do. I wanted to quit. But I didn’t. Instead, I broke the no-tv-on-school-days rule and the three of us snuggled on my bed and didn’t make dinner or clean or do anything for half an hour. It was like a group time out. It mostly worked, and then Steve got home and everything was better.
I find them by reading books together and if I get a few kisses I feel like gold again. Staring at the baby’s face while toddler freaks actually helps me relax during those “I can’t give in to you so I’m ingoring you” times.n
Andi, can I borrow your Grandma sometime? I think I lurve her.
I eat candy.
Wish I had more than that, but I eat candy.
That’s it.
both of my boys can make that angel-to-demon-spawn transition in a split second…and most of the time it’s at the same time! it’s like they’ve synchronized their ticking demon-spawn time-bombs to go off at the exact same time. great!
i’ve heard that the “terrible twos” really starts at 15-18 months and goes past the age of 3. if that’s the case, i’m in for another couple more years of simultaneous terribel two-dom from my boys….great!
always know that you’re not alone…not sure how much that helps though….