1. Yes, we’re all impressed that you’ve learned how to move. And I’m so proud that you’ve gone about it in an unconventional fashion by choosing to scootch along on your butt instead of boring, conformist crawling. But I’m begging you to avoid crawling (and walking) for a few more months. Your sister is finally allowed to play with dangerous, choky toys and she’s not ready to hide them just yet. And I’m too lazy to childproof again. Ah, the outlet covers! The baby gates! I’m getting a headache just thinking about it.
2. In keeping with the theme of movement, please refrain from practicing the Riverdance while breastfeeding. I’ll be happy to drive you to the auditions when you’re a little older, but for now limiting the number of kicks to my ribs while I’m trying to provide you with nourishment would be much appreciated.
3. Oh, and also? During nursing if you could stop flailing your arms about, pulling my hair, stealing my glasses, and smacking me in the face like you’re part of a Three Stooges comedy routine that would be totally awesome.
4. Throwing everything within reach onto the floor? Not a game. Not amusing or cute. I’m bored of it. Truly.
5. Stop being so competitive. I know you want to beat your sister at your daily squealing contests, but I like my ears best when they’re not bleeding.
6. I’m not sure where you got the idea that a ten minute cat-nap meant that it was reasonable to postpone your bedtime for 3 hours, but I’m letting you know that this is a misguided notion. The next time you happen to fall asleep in the car after a dinner out, you are advised to continue your slumber when transferred to your crib, or you shall face mommy’s wrath.
7. Please continue being an adventurous eater. If you become like your picky sister and I have to beg you to take a bite of the “really gross” meal I just slaved over, I may go on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich-making strike and let all the youngins fend for themselves.
8. Stop being so damn cute. With your funny motorboat noises, shy smiles, happy giggles, and undeniable charm I just can’t get mad at you. I know. I’m in serious trouble.
*********************************************
Feel free to leave the favors you wish to ask of your children in the comments. I’m all about giving you a space to whine. Plus, I find other people’s misery much funnier than mine.
Misery does love company, doesn’t it? I would settle for just #6. That one alone would bring me great happiness.
Bahahaha oh you make me laugh!! Does his sister have any requests of him?
What I ask of Riley is just this…take the bottle…please please please take the bottle. Mommy HAS to get her hair (and toes) done and this can not happen without bottle love! Just this once…pretty please?
To my 7 year old, please stop scratching your private parts and then asking me if your fingers smell funny. To my 2 year old, please stop yanking my shirt down in public and demanding to see my “nana”.
I can’t keep a straight face AT ALL when reprimanding my little toddler boy. He’s just to dang funny and cute, as was this post.
Oh, childproofing for the second one… sigh. Yeah, that didn’t really happen here. Freya’s fine, she’s loves danger anyway. Did I ever tell you about the time I found her sitting on top of the stove eating sugar with a knife? Yeah.
Right, favors. M-A-T-I-L-D-A, could you please stop spelling my name every time you talk to me? It was cute at first, but I’m over it, mostly because by the time I spell your name back at you, I need to stop and catch my breath.
And Freya? Stop telling me you didn’t poop in the potty just because you don’t enjoy being wiped. It’s not exactly fun for me either, but it has to happen, and until you’re old enough to hide the evidence, just give it up.
I hope he agrees with your very reasonable requests! I hated that stage of having my older son put his teeny tiny lego pieces away when his younger brother started crawling. Luckily, everything is a stage and things got better. And easier.
Now if they would only eat their dinners…
To my 4-yr old – please figure out how to get buckled in the car. That will save everyone a lot of angst at 730am when we’re late and running around and trying to get out of the house.
And the little one – if you figured that out too, it’d be great. I know the buckle is hard but come on, you’re somewhat gifted right?
But yours is hilarious!!
Umm…wait…that didn’t come out as sweet and supportive as I wanted. Seriously, Andi, you have such a gift for putting these things into words in a funny, clever way. In fact, you’re brilliant!
Funny, isn’t it — how we long for mobility with the first one and fear it with the second?
Those motorboat noises always got me. LOVE them!
My favor: Please, toddler son, for the sake of my sanity, don’t just sit on the potty — USE it!
To my daughter Allie: You are way too old to think that it’s okay to launch a remote control at your mothers head. You hear?
Brilliant… I needed a laugh, thanks!
Now I have to get back to work. *sigh*
To G- Please stop acting like it’s the end of the world every time I ask you to pick up your room. You are 7, and perfectly capeable. Plus, if I step on one more lego, I swear I’m gonna cram it….
To K- Please stop speaking to me like you are 18. You are 5, and neither my equal or my better. You are my darling daughter, and will treat me with love and kisses as befits a hard working mom of my stature.
To the eldest:
Please stop talking back, I really can’t take it anymore.
Clean you room, it smells in there
HANG UP YOUR COAT!
To the youngest:
Stay out of the dogs water bowl
Stay in your bed when I put you there
Please do not unpot that plant AGAIN
To both of you together:
Stop chasing each other and shrieking at the tops of your lungs every time I pick up the phone
How’s that? I didn’t want to scare you with to much stuff since mine are older and scarier than yours LOL
Although DQ scooted on her butt and got really, really fast. If it’s any consolation she didn’t walk until she was 13 months old. Maybe he’ll give you a break. The shrieking though? They don’t stop that, it just gets LOUDER
To my daughter, who will be 2 in April:
When you’re sitting on my lap and feel the sudden urge to get up, please stop ramming your elbow into my boob to propel yourself forward.
Please stop dropping your fork on the floor while you’re eating. Mommy is sooooo tired of bending down to pick it up over and over and over.
Please seek interest in other books besides The Cat in the Hat, which is a lovely book the first one thousand times you read it.
To my son, who is 3 months old:
Please go to bed at 10pm and stay asleep until at least 6am.
Please don’t get any bigger. If you could please always weigh 12 lbs that would be awesome! Thanks.
These are hilarious and so, well, right on target!
Dear son: wearing the same underwear three days in a row is not “being thrifty”; or “conserving water”; or “saving the environment”; it’s just plain yucky.
Dear Arlo; Please keep making our days.
Oh, Ava. Mommy isn’t the only source of comfort in this world.
And quit whining.
Thanking you in advance,
Your Mama
to pooka: please start listening to real live people instead of just the ones on tv. when mommy and daddy tell you to do something, you are not allowed to wait until a commercial. that’s why we have tivo.
to bug: please stop trying to rip my lips off when you are nursing. please let daddy comfort you sometimes so mommy doesn’t have to be the only one sleeping in 45 minute stretches.
Crawling on hands and knees is so conventional….ugh!
To Parker: please stop checking for skid marks with your fingers. Dude, use toilet paper
Funny…we SO have number 2 and 3 going on here. All.The.Time. =)
(although Katie’s so long that it’s not so much rib kicking as just plain old leg flailing.)
Quit using that “I’ll never *insert gripe here* ever do that again!” IE, ” I’ll never ask you to get me something to eat again!” Or one day I may just hold you to that.
I’m so with you on #4 and my son is 2! Argh! Great list!
All, very ,very reasonable requests.
Mine would be a take on your # 7.
Please, please be more adventurous eaters. If you push away the dinner that I slaved over and go in search of pancakes one more time I shall ….I shall.
Well I don’t know what I shall do…but dammit it must stop
Perfectly reasonable. I can second your request to stop the flailing when nursing, In fact, Ella is so distracted during these feeding sessions that she barely nurses anymore.
Let’s be done with “BUT WHY?” Because sometimes there are no answers, just a desire to bop you in the head.