- No one is allowed out of bed until 7am. No exceptions (well, unless you’re Daddy and if so, feel free to break this rule). And I will do my part and stop reading past midnight. Deal?
- Each DVD may only be viewed 3 times in one day. Any more and mommy’s going to have an irritation-induced aneurysm.
- Anyone still in diapers (that’s right Arlo, I’m looking at you) is not allowed to poop right before AND during a nap. Pick one!
- Anyone who doesn’t wear diapers, but is incapable of wiping her own ass is to avoid pooping during meal times. Nothing says relaxing, yummy lunch like having to get up in the middle of it to assist your bent over preschooler. (And in case you missed it, honey? That’s called sarcasm.)
- Papa Spouse is never, ever allowed to work 3 nights in a row again. Mama Spouse simply can’t feign enthusiasm for over 12 hours without a fellow adult warrior. (Seriously, how do single parents do it? And yes, I know that Papa Spouse spends all day talking to crack heads so he can bring home the veggie bacon, but I have a sneaky suspicion that in their more lucid moments they may be more reasonable than a three-year-old.)
- All children are required to chew food (as exhausting and tedious as the activity may be) at least twice a day. Real food, not candy or cookies. And no, I will not puree a PB and J sandwich so that you may drink all your meals. I know it’s hard to believe, but some things really are better when not ingested through a straw.
- And no! When you have a cold, your runny snot does not count as a beverage. Get a kleenex! And when you’re done, dispose of it appropriately so your brother doesn’t mistake it for a tasty appetizer.
- When you hear the words “STOP IT!” or any other variance of the phrase being shouted by your crazed mother, know that the word “immediately” is implied. It does not mean, “Smile slyly while doing the prohibited action in slow motion until mommy completely loses her shit.”
Ah, now I feel so much better. Did I miss any?
When mommy is going potty and has the door closed that is your cue not to barge in. Unless it is an emergency. And not being able to find your toys does not constitute an emergency
I’m hanging these on my wall. Here is another:
When Mommy is in the shower, do NOT scream for her from downstairs because you need juice RIGHT THIS MINUTE.
Bahahaha now it’s my turn to laugh! I am in tears over the pooping during lunch…and the 7am rule is a must!
When mommy says we’ll do Webkinz “later” that means later. Not right now. Not in 2 minutes. Later. So you DO NOT need to sit on my lap while I’m on the computer JUST so you can do Webkinz later. LATER.
I just want to say I’m not ALWAYS on the computer - but the kid thinks he can ALWAYS be on my lap just in case we can do Webkinz RIGHT NOW.
Ok, now I don’t sound as horrible. Right???
Holy Crap. I need to print that out and hang it on all of my walls.
Oh, you missed several….I live with 3 slobs: Sloth, Stubborn and Supportive (that would be the husband, but he is still a slob).
Funny post Andi - sounds like you are at the end of your tether!
When Mommy is on the phone, whether she is talking to Daddy or the nice and patient insurance lady who is saving Mommy a lot of money, do NOT interrupt. I am not on the invisible phone. See this? A phone. See, not invisible. When it is pressed to my ear, do not say my name repeatedly.
Yes, there’s a reason we don’t keep a slingshot in the house.
This list was great. Every single rule.
Everyone must be in their own beds and asleep by 9:00 p.m.–except the hubs–or mama is not responsible for her actions (I have a sixth grader or that would be earlier).
If you make a request, it MUST be accompanied with a “please” and when said request is fulfilled a “thank you” MUST follow.
If you are old enough to stand when you pee, you are old enough to hit the water–not the back of the toilet, not the floor, not the wall.
Should you have to sit down when using the bathroom and you use the last of the toilet paper, DO NOT leave the empty cardboard on the roll–replace with new! And yeah, I’m talking to you hubs.
Give me an hour and I’m sure I’ll have more.
“Smile slyly while doing the prohibited action in slow motion” - my daughter does this and it definitely makes me lose my shit, every time.
Here’s a few more:
Throwing your fork on the floor purposefully and repeatedly during all meals is not funny. It’s not cute. It’s not acceptable.
Taking your shoes off in the middle of the floor and LEAVING THEM THERE is dangerous. Especially to sleep deprived Mommy who is usually carrying baby. (this one’s for my husband. will he ever learn?!)
No sippy cups in the sandbox.
If you don’t want to finish your banana, put it in the trash (aka. shash). Don’t set the wadded ball that’s left of it on my lap.
Let me know if you get that pooping agreement worked out. If so, I’d like a copy.
omg too funny!
Excellent rules. Let me know if they stick.
Oh, I love these. I have a feeling I’ll be thinking of them all day now.
#1 is a must here. I would also add- Anyone younger than me in this house must be in bed before 8:00. The only exception is if I’ve kept you out later than that. This will rarely happen. Therefore, when you are not in bed by 8:00, Mommy starts to lose it. Then Daddy has to take over bedtime, and you know how well you like that. (sarcasm!)
[...] times in a row. clearly, Isabella isn’t following Andi’s house rules…and can i just add for measure that Cinderella is really the WORST princess movie. (well, [...]
I’m having a posted made for my house!! I especially love that last one — so funny and SO true.
tee hee
sooo funny!!
will save and print.
Ok u just became my new favorite person.
I need a print out of the post and the rules added in the comments! All moms should have these rules.
Add to it…..
If it is greasy or muddy or dripping, leave it outside. The house is a big enough mess without it. That goes for anything dead too!!!
I am going to have to write the rules down. They seem very logical and useful. Number 5 had me rolling!
I really, really wish I didn’t know exactly what you’re talking about with #7. Really.
Good luck with the new rules. I have a feeling you are fighting a losing battle.
When mommy says it’s naptime, you WILL sleep. If not, you WILL stay in your room for at least 1.5 hours so that mommy can have a break.
I particularly like numbers 1-8.
These are fabulous. And yes, my daughter insists on pooping during every meal. There’s nothing like stopping mid-meal to wipe someone’s ass and have my hand within inches of feces. She also loves to poop in public restrooms. And I’ve watched Alvin & the Chipmunks at least 1000 times since it came out on April 1st.
ROTFL I love them all!! Oh, the poop… the discussion of the poop… the joy of having a 3 year old BOY ;).
I’m printing off a copy of your rules to post on my fridge. Several of the above are highlighted.
Would like to add that waking up several times in one night, even if you ARE sick, is really not cool.
Hee, Hee…
Hmm, I may hang these on my wall. With the addition of, “No one over the age of six weeks shall be allowed to wake up wanting my boob more than twice in any given night. “
And if you DO wake up before 7AM, you are not allowed to wake up mommy or daddy OR THE OLDER SIBLINGS–cuz they whine and yell louder than you do about being WOKE up!
She’s a little young for this, but soon you can train her to get her own breakfast by dragging a chair over to the fridge and getting down the cereal box, dragging the chair over to the cabinet for a bowl, getting the spoons and milk and serving her little brother (sister in our case). The best way to do this, in my experience, is to make it easier to do all that stuff herself than to try to drag your lazy ass out of bed before 7:30. Good luck.
No falling asleep in the car seat on the way home for naptime! No hiding of or attempts to self-launder wet/soiled Elmo underwear!
No peeing/pooping/puking in the tub!
No licking and or gumming of the grocery shopping cart handle!
Oh, wow, this is good. Perhaps add:
If mom has yet to fetch your (insert food, play or off-limits item of your choice) do not, I repeat DO NOT say, “Mom, I said get it,” it’s demoralizing and brings out the shrieking harridan in mommy.
And also, “The answer is brown,” anytime mom is changing a stinky diaper.
I need those rules. ALL OF THEM. Plus one: children IN DIAPERS (still, ahem) are NOT to poop during dinner. So help me GOD!
Oh I loved them all! The fact of the matter is now that my son is 14 I had forgotten that I too had made mental rules like that.
I know you are going to think I’m nuts, but I miss some of those things …. yeah even the nappy (diaper) change. I used to love kissing my boys tummy and feeling that beautiful soft skin. Don’t wish it away too quickly!
http://www.coffeebreak.iblog.co.za
You should all remember this years to come…when the kids are 12 and 13, they still barge in the bathroom for you to get them drink, look at what they are wearing (knowing you are giong to SCREAM NO!!!!) or they just want to see what you are doing…(like we are baking a cake in the bathroom!) They no longer cry tears when you tell them no. This happens…aliens take over, your precious cute bundle of joy, their eyes roll, their feet stomp, and you get screamed at YOU JUST DON’T FREAKIN UNDERSTAND!!!!!!! Oh, yes I understand…I brought you in this world, I can take you out (Or at least do something that won’t get me put in jail!)
too funny! My hubs works nights so it’s a looong ass day for me so it was good to read that! Sometimes I think he forgets we are on a whacked schedule and I’m just a crazy beeyatch for no reason when really I’ve spent too many hours alone with the children!
I wish my child knew how to read.
here’s my number one rule with my three year old (like she listens).
i promise, the umbilical cord WAS cut, and you ARE allowed (encouraged, urged, REQUIRED) to be further than six inches away from me at any given time. humans need three feet of personal space. learn this, love this, OWN this, sweetie, or mommy’s going to sell you to the circus.
and hubby: you ARE allowed to intervene and get this three foot tall alien out of my orbit. i promise, it won’t hurt you.
If runny nose snot is not a beverage then you missed the fact that fresh picked boogers are not a snack
Let me know how that whole “no getting out of bed before 7am” thing is working for you. So far I’ve only accomplished no getting out of bed before the sun comes up