When I got an e-mail inviting me to a virtual baby shower for three women who are expecting their second child, I was so excited. The idea is for everyone to share their favorite ass/advice for having two kids. Two of the guests of honor (Her Bad Mother and Mrs. Chicky) I’ve enjoyed stalking from afar. The third, is my dear bloggy friend, Mrs. Chicken. If you don’t mind, I’d like to include 2 more women who are expecting baby #2, because when it comes to a party, the more, the merrier, right? My friend, Joline helped keep me sane during Arlo’s newborn days. And my SIL, Sarah (you may know her as Mrs. Mustard) is super-stressed and could really use a party.
Let’s get the nasties out of the way first. After I had Arlo, I wrote two posts about a few things that were less than enjoyable with two. Expectant girls, if you can stomach reading them, they are here and here. I will say, that I think I neglected to mention the after pains. Which, sweet fancy Moses, were really almost like going through labor again. Luckily, they only last a few days.
Now for some random advice (or assvice, depending on your opinion) - feel free to discard as necessary:
1) A sling or other baby carrier is extremely helpful if you want to accomplish, well, anything. If you have a younger toddler a double stroller also comes in mighty handy.
2) A baby really can’t die from crying for a few minutes. Hearing the first kid cry really bothered me, but the second’s cries soon became harmless background noise. Sometimes you just can’t drop everything to tend to the baby - the toddler/preschooler may immediately need their ass wiped or an emergency cup of juice. Or you may not want to carry the baby 24/7. I’m not advocating neglect, of course. But seriously? They won’t remember crying for a few minutes. They learn to wait. Really.
3) Try not to feel guilty that you’re spending less time with each kid. They will eventually adjust - I promise - and come out a better person for it. And if the baby is anything like my second, they may be more easy-going and independent because of this decreased doting.
4) Try to get out of the house by yourself once in awhile. And no, I don’t mean grocery shopping. Do something fun and totally selfish. It does wonders for the sanity.
5) With my first baby, I obsessed about the “answers” and the “right” thing to do. I pored over the parenting books. I kept records of pooping and peeing, breastfeeding, solid food menus, night-wakings, and desperately looked for patterns. And if a pattern changed, I sought answers. I’m sure you’re aware now, that there is no one right thing to do. And that sometimes, there are no logical reasons why a baby does anything. Sure, you can try to change it, but sometimes your efforts will be futile.
I think one thing that kept me sane during the second baby is that I learned to go with the flow. I stopped charting the baby’s every move. I just let him be. I surrendered to his babyness, in the knowledge that challenging times will pass. And then we’ll be onto the next stage. This is one crazy train that I’m sometimes not allowed to be the engineer of.
6) Some advice that doesn’t work for the second one, of course, is to nap when the baby is napping. In a moment of desperation, I admit to sneaking a quick nap while the trustworthy older one watched TV. She woke me up later carrying a warehouse-sized bag of chocolate chips. And here I thought the house was totally child-proofed - and there were no daytime naps thereafter.
Now, the good stuff. That’s really what you want to hear, isn’t it? Of course, I can only speak from my own experiences and hate to generalize to all babies. But I found the second one so much easier! The labor, the pushing, and the day-to-day drudgery of having a newborn were all more bearable the second time around.
Maybe this newfound ease is due to knowing what to expect. The second baby just doesn’t pack the life-altering, anxiety-inducing punch the first one does. Yes, there are challenges and times when you wonder what in god’s name you were thinking, but mostly, these are minor annoyances compared to the adjustments you had to make with your first.
Also, there’s nothing quite like seeing your two kids interact with each other. I’ll never forget the day Elliot met her little brother. And they’ve been little buddies ever since.
From what I know, you are amazing mothers. And this will continue to be the case with #2. You will probably be simultaneously in awe and terrified of their tinyness and dependence. You may be surprised that you can push two kids with totally different personalities out of the same hoo-ha, but a baby is still a baby and you already know what you’re doing.
I’m a huge fan of Dr. Spock’s saying: “Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.” Follow your instincts. You know your child better than anyone. Just love your kids and I dare say the rest will fall into place. Before the existence of parenting experts and micromanaging uber-mothers, trying your best and loving your kids has worked. And I’m sure it will continue to.
I love you ladies and I wish you all the best in the wacky adventure that is two. Now everyone, please raise your glasses (of sparkling juice) to these fabulous mamas. And if you so wish, please leave them any advice or general well-wishes in the comments.
Wanna keep partying? Details about how you can join the shower and links to the other party posts are here.
I totally agree with number 2 i think its good to let them cry for a few minutes that way they wont be spoiled like mine i use to carry him everytime he would cry really bad idea
Excellent assvice. And I forgot about the after pains till you mentioned it….yikes.
In my usual Friday night fashion, I’ll raise a toast to the lovely ladies - especially my co-blogger and dear dear friend Jo.
Woo hoo!! Welcome to the world of 2.
The third is even easier! Best wishes to all!!
I am so getting a sling this time.
Thank you for this, Andi, wonderful, all of it. I heart you, I hope you know that.
Yes, it is easier to push out the second, but the After Shocks? Holy Shit! Billy, don’t be a hero: take the Tylenol 3’s!!
The best advice I can give on number 2 is to just enjoy both of them, as this toddler/baby time goes by SOOO fast! You blink and they are teenagers, and you’re wondering: How did I get here? This is not my beautiful life! (anyone who is a Talking Heads fan will know this lyric, and I find it so apt)
And, most importantly, be grateful for the choice to have a second child. Many don’t have this luxury.
Lastly: Drinking Wine, listening to music and having a sense of humour are vital to your sanity.
Cheers!
This is all such great advice (assvice?), Andi. I agree with all of it, including how much more relaxed I was with the second child (though she didn’t come out any easier than the first, I’ll tell ya that and mean it).
You’re a good friend to all of these women. What a great idea!
yet another one of your posts that i must print and save!! seriously it’s like you are writing just to me
thanks friend!!
Nice blog! Saw that you left your link at DGM and decided to come and check it out.
All good advice.
This is a WONDERFUL post from start to finish. I actually got a little choked up at parts. And it was so comforting to me, even though it wasn’t actually written TO me, because that part about how loving your kids and trying your best has worked and will continue to work? Sometimes I forget that. And it feels so good to be reminded. Thanks.
Also, in a less sappy vein: I SO wish someone had warned me about the after pains with number two! I had no idea it would hurt so bad and last so long! I started nursing Eli for the first time after settling into my room and I just went white and couldn’t even speak. The nurse was all, “Are you ok?” And I was just clutching the sheet, like, “Are you KIDDING me? Is there a second BABY in there trying to be born or what?”
I have two slings. I almost want another kid if just for the fact I can use my slings again. Sad right? Heh.
You make having a second kid sound kind of nice. I may consider it.
Great advice! All of it. Thank you so much!
Sling - CHECK. I didn’t use one last time, but this time I am DETERMINED to get the kid used to it.
Thanks so much for all of this awesome advice!
You’re so right — the second was easier in that I was more relaxed about things. Much more tired, granted, but not stressing over how many times the baby had pooped that day.
How did you know I was having a mini meltdown the very day you wrote this post? Sometimes I think I’ll be fine. Other times I’m totally freaked out and wonder what I was thinking getting knocked up again. Most of the time, I am too busy to think about it.
I do value the words of advice, though. Don’t be surprised if you start getting frantic phone calls come fall.
Thanks for the advice.
I have a sling from my first but am armed already with a Moby Wrap in anticipation of my second (due in 4 weeks and a day).
Related to your #2, I read another piece of advice in a comment section that has resonated too: It was something like, “the younger one won’t feel neglected or remember crying for a couple of minutes, but the older one will notice and feel like a lower priority if you always go to the baby first when both are demanding attention.” Makes sense, but since we’re biologically programmed to jump when we hear our babies cry, I’m not sure I would have thought about it that way unless I’d read it.
hmm. You do make having a second sound quite delightful. It’s nice to hear about the crying thing with the second. If I discover I’m with child soon, I’ll blame it on you and all of the good things you said, and not my lack of self control. haha.
Great advice from you! I’m mulling over some of my own, but I’m sure it’s all been covered by now…
Fantastic advice and I think you covered everything *I* would have thought of.
Mind you, I can’t quite remember what I would have mentioned because I have had mommy brain for the last 6 years. Half of my brain slipped out with each birth.
I’m a big fan of letting the baby cry. I used to give them 10 minutes in their cribs and 9 times out of 10 they would fall back asleep within 5.
I think it’s hysterical how hyper-attentive we are with our first baby, and how lax we become by the time we’ve had 3. We’ve got 6 photo albums of our 1st, 2 of our 2nd and none of our 3rd - just a bunch of pictures in a box.