They’re back! Lefty and Mrs. Right have agreed to talk to you about their recent retirement since I appear to be incapable of writing a coherent post about it.
Lefty: I can’t believe we’ve only been retired from the breastfeeding gig for 2 weeks and our slave-driver of a host is making us reminisce about it on the Internet.
Mrs. Right: Ah, Lefty. Why do you have to be so bitter?
Lefty: On the contrary, my dear Mrs. Right, I’m elated. Whoopee! No more feedings! Pass me a noise-maker, I’m going to party till the cows (suckers!) come home.
Mrs. Right: A noise-maker? Now really, Lefty, how do you expect to blow into it?
Lefty: It seems just as likely as me chatting with you, doesn’t it?
Mrs. Right: Touché, Lefty. Touché. So, how did you find the weaning process?
Lefty: Right down to business, hey Mrs. Right? Well, I was happy that the host (evil though she is) decided to do it gradually this time. With the girl-child, it was a bit speedy for my liking – I thought my head was going to explode, you know?
Mrs. Right: Oh, how I know. But didn’t you find the three weeks a bit much? It was almost like a tease. When the wee parasite kept cutting out one feeding every 5-7 days, I would think it was finally over only to be periodically attacked.
Lefty: I know what you mean. Especially that long feed first thing in the morning. I mean, I know the host could catch a few hours of shut-eye because of it, but what about us? What about our needs for rest and relaxation?
Mrs. Right: Exactly! Equal rights for Breasts! Speaking of relaxation, what have you been doing during your retirement?
Lefty: What do you mean what have I been doing? We live on the same chest, crazy woman! Alright, I’ll indulge you. I’ve been lounging about, mildly depressed about how thin I’m becoming. Although I have to say, I’m not nearly as saggy as I’d anticipated – that’s a bonus.
Mrs. Right: It is a bonus. I’d hoped the host would take us to the beach to celebrate our retirement and I could get cozy in a nice bikini. As usual, though, she only thinks of herself. She says she has to go back to work soon and can’t be lolly-gagging in the sand. Plus, she’s still fighting with Belly, so she told me a bikini is out of the question.
Lefty: Ya, that Belly has really become a pain in the teet. Speaking of the self-absorbed host, I suppose we should tell the readers how she’s been handling all of this.
Mrs. Right: Sigh. Yes, it is our responsibility as her slaves to inform them of her condition. The host is doing well. She had anticipated being weepy and mourning the loss of what is probably her last nursing relationship (yippee!) When the time came, she was surprisingly unphased (which is shocking, because she can be quite the drama queen). She knew after 11 months that it was time. Time to send her sweet little boy out into the world beyond the comfort of her lap. It was time for us to be replaced with those vile sippy cups filled with the homo milk of cows.
Lefty: Hee hee. Homo milk.
Mrs. Right: Oh, Lefty, you’re such a child.
Lefty: Ya, ya. Oh, Mrs. Right. Are you crying?
Mrs. Right: Of course not. I’m not sentimental in the least – do you have any idea how uncomfortable I was with the boy’s new teeth rubbing up against my delicate body? What you think are tears must be some left-over drops of renegade milk. Stupid lactation.
Lefty: It’s okay to miss the boy a bit, you know. It really did get better towards the end, didn’t it?
Mrs. Right: I suppose it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever done. Ahem, well enough of this sappy talk. Stupid Brain manipulating us with her ridiculous emotions.
Lefty: Shh. We need to join forces with Brain to convince the host to take us to the beach.
Mrs. Right: You’re right, Lefty. I’ve grown weary of our dark, depressing home. Commence Operation: Perky Girls Basking in Sunshine.
Lefty: Perky? Now for that we’ll need medical intervention. After everything we’ve gone through, I don’t think I can stomach going under the knife.
Mrs. Right: True. I’ll settle for unperky as long as I get to see the inside of a bikini some time soon. Set up a meeting with Brain, post haste.
Lefty: Will do. Ta ta, host’s readers. We must be signing off. As you can see, we have a lot of work to do.
Those crazy kids…they say the darndest things….
This is hilarious. I love how your mind works. I mean their minds. Oh, whatever.
This word, bikini, I don’t know it. (I have to cry now.)
The boobies should be thrilled at getting smaller! Mine have never nursed a child but they’re DDD…I’m afraid to get pregnant cause I most likely will smother my child with planet-sized ya-ya’s.
I hate you lilacspecs!
Just kidding.
I have always been flat-chested and so I relished in every moment of my pregnancy and nursing big-breastedness. Then, was appalled at how quickly they go back to flatsville. In like a day! Now they are flat AND saggy. Is that even possible? Unfortunately, it is. Ugh.
Enough about me, congrats Andi on the weaning. It is liberating isn’t it?
Really funny post.
I thought I would be sadder…instead I’m jubilant! The boobies, they’re all mine! Sure saggy and ugly, but MINE.
I’m glad you girls aren’t as saggy you thought you’d be. This bodes well for those of us who are re-entering the milk force, as it were. They don’t call me the Dairy Queen for nothing.
andi you truly crack me up.
well ok lefty and mrs right crack me up.
i am so glad to hear that it wasn’t as hard as you were imagining it might be. i am also glad to know that you are an expert in this area. don’t be surprised to hear from my “girls” when it’s our turn!
congrats & hugs!
Ohmygod, my boobs had THE SAME CONVERSATION, but it was back in March.
Hehehe.
I heart you, dude. But you knew that already.
You’re a nut. I’m glad weaning went so well for you and your boy!
wow, you weaned pretty early…
why? (if I might ask)
This is hilarious! You are either very witty or very crazy… perhaps a bit of both….
Favorite line:
“Ya, that Belly has really become a pain in the teet.”
kik- 11 months is early? Really?
And yes, you most certainly may ask and I shall answer. I’m going back to work shortly and I wanted this to be one less transition that the boy had to be confronted with all at once.
Plus, to be honest, for the past few months I was more nursing for me than for him. He really seemed to care less. If he was really into it, I may have kept the before bed or early morning feed when I returned to work, but it just seemed like the right time for both of us.
Congrats on successful weaning!
Andi – look after yourself – I felt the same way you did – was glad to be done – what I wasn’t prepared for was the blues that came afterwards – forewarned is forearmed! Make sure you take care of yourself as you prepare to head back to work etc
Yay for emancipation boobie day!
This might be my favorite post..ever.
4 weeks into my third nursing gig and you’ve got me all leaky and weepy despite the hilarity of the post.
Here’s hoping Lefty and Mrs. Right get behind a couple of lycra triangles before the summer is out.
Your boobs are funny!
I think I might be beyond bikinis. Time to break out a (by which I mean find a cute) one piece.
You are funny. Or they are. But then they are yours, so, you are funny.