Consider yourself warned - this is a very long, and very ranty post…
I started writing a post about how my one-year maternity leave ends this week and I’m returning to my full-time job on Monday. I wrote about the circumstances that forced me to reluctantly return to the work force after my mat leave with Elliot. And how something I fought tooth-and-nail against, became a positive and rewarding situation.
Some day in the future, I will tell you that back story. But at the moment, I couldn’t simply write a personal post without sounding defensive. And no matter how much I’ve seen people write similar posts and emphasize that they weren’t trying to make a political point about staying at home versus working, someone always seems to use it as a starting point for vicious mommy war-mongering.
So, I’m writing this post instead, because I think the Mommy Wars are bullshit. I keep getting into what are essentially surface discussions about the merits of the SAHM and working mom. Within those discussions, someone always says they are grateful to have a choice. The choice to stay home. The choice to work. The problem is that I think that “choice” is an illusion.
Did the character in Sophie’s Choice feel empowered that she got to “choose” which one of her children lived and which one died? I realize this is an extreme example, as we’re not exactly talking about a life and death choice when it comes to how we raise our kids. But, there are similarities – as mothers we have the overwhelming, sole burden of making countless childcare and domestic decisions. And a “choice” in which you are damned for picking either alternative is not much of a choice at all.
Let’s think about it for a moment - when was the last time anyone thought (or even said aloud) the following of a father: Why did he even bother having kids, if he was just going to let strangers raise them? For how much he’s paying for childcare, it’s not even worth it for him to return to work. If he really loved his kids, he’d stop being selfish and find a way to give up his job to stay home with them.
How often do you hear the term “working dad?” If you see a man without his children, do you ask him if his wife is “babysitting” them? How often is a father’s love for his children questioned because he seeks sources of joy and accomplishment in addition to raising kids?
How often do dads suffer from Daddy Guilt? Guilt because they don’t spend enough time playing. Because they put their kids in front of the TV so they can have time for themselves. Because they get frustrated or bored or don’t otherwise revel 24/7 in the sweet miracle of their beloved angels. Because they want to take a class or paint or blog or go out dancing or write or run or volunteer or do any other fulfilling activity that would require they occasionally leave their kids in someone else’s care.
When we think of these issues affecting men, it seems absurd, doesn’t it? Why is that? Because there is still much work to be done if mothers are to actually achieve anything close to equality with their partners. Actual equality would mean that both parents were equally responsible for the moral integrity of our children and held accountable when things go awry. That means if my child is poorly behaved or otherwise maladjusted, or if my house is a pig-sty that people would be just as likely to blame my husband as they are to blame me.
I know there has been progress. I know fathers are more involved than ever and that attitudes towards mothers are evolving, but I still maintain that we have a long way to go. Obviously, a shift towards a more balanced view of parenting is not going to happen overnight. For the time-being, my hope for you, my fellow intelligent, strong mothers, is that regardless of how you live your life, that you are doing so because it brings you joy. Because it fulfills you. That you are not living for anyone else or according to the impossible obligations put upon you by “just the way things are.” That one day we will all be members of respected parenting teams governed by equitable and reasonable expectations.
For my part, I’m going to give the middle finger to Mommy Guilt – because it accomplishes nothing. Because I love my kids fiercely and I do the best I can, my children will turn out brilliantly, regardless of the stupid things I choose to become guilt-riddled by. I’m going to refuse to participate in the manufactured Mommy Wars. I’m going to freak out the normals by doing crazy things like asking expectant fathers what they plan to do about their personal work situation once their child is born. I’m going to do the unthinkable and support all parents in their child-rearing endeavors. And I’m going to do these things in the hope that mothers will stop being distracted by petty in-fighting and come together to fight the real enemy – not other mothers, but a culture that oppresses us by feeding us false choices and then asks us to be thankful for them.
My wish for my daughter is a future where her husband has half of her endless To-Do List living inside his head. That it will be just as likely that he will wrestle with the decision of whether or not to stay at home with their children. That she will not face the great weight of false choices. That “mothering” issues or challenges will become “parenting” issues. That in her future, society won’t make blanket assumptions about the lives of stay-at-home and working parents, because no one can truly understand how another’s personal circumstances affect their decisions. And that she, together with all moms and dads, will be part of a cohesive group of parents - a group capable of working together to harness the actual power of choice to create a better world for themselves and their children.
Not ranting at all. Not even a little bit.
I feel as the mother of 2 boys it is my goal to make them into men that look at me and other women in their life as true equals. I never say “mommy has to work”. I say mommy likes her job and enjoys going to work. I want them to know that it is the right decision for me, and for our family, and all parents involved. I want my boys to see that the house, our lives including work, raising children and bringing home the bacon, is the responsibility of the family - all members.
Gawd, it’s hard. All of it.
And when you said you loved your children fiercely, I cried. That is it in a nutshell. Love them fiercely.
Brilliant, Andi. Bravo. And good for you for taking this one on. I join you in raising the finger, because I think we all know moms work one way or another, 24 hours a day. The location and the paycheck are irrelevant.
Now I’m off to call my “working husband.”
Brilliant!
oh andi amen to all of it.
i was just getting ready to write a post about my mommy guilt. there seems to be so much everyday. for little things. for silly things. and while i know that and while i have an amazing husband that supports me…it’s still there. and there are days like today when it actually hurts.
thank you once again for putting my thoughts, feelings and emotions into words. you do it so very well.
your wishes are my wishes too.
It’s a socially constructed idea that we should feel guilt for working.
Throughout history, women have worked in one form or another while also raising children. It’s only from the June Cleaver era where it became a social elevation to stay home, bottle feed and wear heels while vacuuming.
In this society, two incomes are necessary for most people to provide for that same family.
I do my girls more good by being a happy, working (albeit PT), successful mother. Other women do their children good by staying at home with them.
No one wins if mom is unhappy, as this bleeds into the family unit.
Frankly, I could care less what people think of me, if they want to get their panties in a knot because of what another woman chooses to do for their families and themselves, well, they can stuff it.
Bravo Andi, Bravo!
*standing ovation*
Well said!
word, my friend.
that is all.
I went back to work when my children were young and have never regretted it for a minute. They have all grown up to be responsible, independent and caring citizens. They are now raising their children and grandchildren in a society that pays lip service to sexual equality on occasion. Hugs to you, Andi, for believing in yourself and the rights of females.
Great post Andi! It wasn’t ranty, it was the TRUTH.
fabulous post.
Good job, Andi. It’s not about working or not working, it’s about WHAT you do with your family time and how committed you are to it.
Dayyyyyyyyyyum! You go Momma!
Sing it.
We do have SO far to go. Grandma is right! There’s a lot of lip service going on.
At Parker’s preschool graduation, one of the other moms forgot about the graduation. She has bad pregnancy brain. Her husband was furious at her for forgetting. My brain wondered why didn’t he remember too? I mean, who said the mom has to remember EVERYTHING for the children? Grrrr!
A(wo)MEN.
I can’t say anything better than what you just did. Not a rant at all, just the plain, frustrating truth.
AMEN!!
Very well said! I don’t work but I still agree 100% with everything you said. My person pet peeve, the thing I cannot stand at all iw when men say (or when women say that their husbands are) “babysitting” the kids. Watching your own kids is not babysitting! It’s called being a parent and no, you don’t get extra credit for it!
Very well written! Somehow I doubt that any guy will ever have a “to do” list running around in his head though!
I am bawling because I agree with every word you said so intensely, but have never been able to say it as well. I never feel I have a “choice” in anything either. Being the Mom, I feel the obligation, which is driven by the guilt, to do most of the childcare. Yet, I still bear 50% of the financial obligation, too. I went to Yoga last night while my husband put the kids to bed. And I felt selfish for doing so. Why? Why? Why?
You should get this piece published Andi. Send it everywhere. I bet you would have editors fighting over it.
Excellent. Brilliant. Well put. And amen!
This is so right on. I hate the Mommy Wars. I recently drafted a post about why I just won’t go there. It’s INSANE.
And I must say, it’s very hard for me to complain because my husband shares so much of the kid stuff. But (there’s always a butt - right?) BUT I resent that he just comes and goes, but I have to ask to leave the house without kids. I hate that so much. And while he is so awesome he hired cleaning people to clean the house, I know that when someone comes over and there is stuff everywhere (cleaning people aren’t miracle workers, turns out), I know they wonder why I’M not keeping up with the house. It just doesn’t reflect on him. Only me. Even though we both work full time and I’m not home any more often that he is. Somehow, it’s my lack of housekeeping skill that resulted in HIS suit jacket and tie and socks and shoes laying in the living room.
ARRRGGGGH.
Wonderfully put! Bravo for saying it!!!
Great post. I work from home, and sometimes hear from stay at home moms who disagree with me that most moms are simply doing the best they can for their families, no matter where they work. Too many women are willing to judge other women harshly for making a different choice.
Quite interesting and that is coming from a stay at home dad that does not want to back to work because of the guilt I would feel not being with my son.
No issue regarding parenting is black and white and you captured that masterfully.
love.it.
I agree, but only to a point. I have been both a SAHM and a FT “working Mom”, but I chose to never let a stranger watch my kids, excluding about two months. My Ex and I worked opposite shifts, and it was hard, but worth it. A lot less guilt. NO, our split had nothing to do with that, although some might think so.
It bothers me when parents say they NEED two incomes, when they each earn what my Ex and I earned combined or more. I would have loves to be a SAHM sooner! Thank goodness I can do that now, and truly, I do feel bad for those who must work but want to be at home. I also feel bad for kids whose Moms stays home and hate it!
TheMovie Whore - Great to get a SAHD’s perspective on this! I know a few stay-at-home dads, but they are certainly still somewhat of an anomaly. I think the attitude that mothers are solely responsible for watching kids does a great disservice to involved dads and belittles the contribution they make to their kids lives. That is so awesome that you are at home with your daughter. I do hope you don’t inherit too much of the stay-at-home parent’s guilt, though - I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Carol - I’m not sure where we disagree here. This wasn’t meant to be a post about whether it was better for mothers to be at home or work. It was meant to be a post questioning the fact that this still seems to be primarily a “mother’s” choice, rather than a “parent’s” choice.
I’m unsure about your statement about “needing” two incomes. It’s difficult to truly know what someone else’s financial situation is - maybe they have student loans up the ying-yang? And sometimes for a parent, working is about more than an income. Maybe they get great pleasure and fulfillment from working - even if only part-time, etc. The issue for me is - if both spouses spent time and money getting post-secondary education and make comparably large incomes, who do you think is expected to stay at home? The mom. Not many people would judge the father for not staying home with the kids in that situation.
I also feel I must mention that I let “strangers” look after my kids during the day and they spend one day a week with my mom. My daughter began her then part-time daycare stint at two shitty centers which she was promptly pulled out of. We now have her in an amazing center that has become like a second family. It gives me great comfort to know that my kids are well looked after and loved by these “strangers”.
Anyway, it’s great that you are happy at home with your kids. I agree that it’s terrible that more people are not in a position to do what they feel is best - whether that’s staying at home or working.
Andi- Thanks for the reply!
I agree that there are huge financial barriers for most parents, especially in today’s economy. Divorce makes it next to impossible for anyone to choose. My comment regarding “need” was in reference to the “2 new cars, boat, big vacation and 2,000+ sq.foot home” type of families. To each his own, but the kids are only little for a short while, and 2 kids do not equal staying home full time forever, just a few years.
I am blessed, and I know it, because I have a hardworking and business-savvy husband and I enjoy taking care of the home. If he had to stay home, I think he’d go nuts, or the whole house would be spit-shined daily!
I get the “you don’t work?” from a lot of women, mostly older ones. Well, indeed, I do! Besides heavy duty jobs (repairing the roof, etc.), and the kids’ daily chores, I do everything! I truly enjoy being a “homemaker” (uggh), except cleaning the bathroom,LOL. Hubby is self-employed, which means loong hours sometimes, and my earning capacity does not equal hiring a maid, cook, chauffer or tutor. It also means I can’t have the flexibility to help him when needed, nor can I do as much volunteer service. I hated my life revolving around a work schedule! I hated missing important events in my children’s lives! My employers treated Mothers like they were lesser employees than the childless. I was very stressed out.I did not have a career I loved, just a job- that seems to be a huge factor.
I know that my Ex felt like he was babysitting and left 90% of the housework for me to do, even when I worked twice as many hours! He resented my job, but couldn’t pay all the bills, and didn’t want me to advance in that field, because he didn’t want to be a FT SAHD. He also didn’t want daycare, and we had no parents to help.
I do know some SAHMs who are stressed, bored and depressed. It isn’t for everyone. Neither is the two-income household. A lot of older kids and teens start having problems when mom/dad goes back to work. Staying home for the first 7-8 years then going back to a 70 hr/week job when the last kid starts first grade seems ok to so many, but is it? I don’t have the answer. I was raised by a single MAN. I had sitters until I was 12. Then he let me supervise myself. I often wonder if it was the right thing to do. Teens need adults around, just won’t admit it!
I think that the reason so many assume MOM should stay home is that DAD usually earns more. After daycare costs, gas and work clothes, plus the altered distribution of household chores, many feel it is best for the parent who earns less to stay home. I know it also a throwback to the “good old days.” There were no good old days!
Andi, I’m so glad to have met you. You put into words the feelings I get sometimes in my heart (yes, even I have feelings. Sometimes).
Teri - Comments like these are why I adore you.
Mrs. Chicken - Thanks! I hope your “working husband” is doing well.
amanda - Don’t indulge the Mommy Guilt. Think of all the great things you do for your girl. Moms are people too - and they are allowed to be unhappy and imperfect.
Jennifer (4) - This comment could not kick more ass. It’s so true that it is a socially constructed idea. And I’m a huge believer that if mom (working or at home) is happy, the kids are happy.
Grandma - I love you for being such an awesome feminist.
Aliki - So true.
Amy - Oh, how I know! I too am lucky to be married to a “helpful” husband and overall evolved man. We do split things pretty evenly. The problem is, of course, that the greater culture expects us to be so grateful for this. And that we still use words like “helpful” when referring to our husbands. When was the last time someone said you were “helpful” around the house?
Jen@Problem Girl - Ugh! I know! The whole babysitting thing really sets me off. Not only does it imply that we should be solely responsible for child care, it really belittles the contribution that dads make to raising their children.
Krista - I know. But a girl can dream, can’t she?
Carol - And thank you! I really love hearing your perspective on this. You make many excellent points. I am definitely grateful that both my husband and I have jobs that don’t involve a lot of overtime work - we both put in around 36 hours a week. I have no idea how people who work insanely long hours manage to balance family and work - that is a stress I’d rather not imagine.
I also agree that job satisfaction and income distribution has a lot to do with it. Unfortunately, you’re right - in most couples, the men still earn more. This is a problem in itself. When I initially returned back to work after my first maternity leave, it was to a job I hated and I wasn’t making that great a salary. Finding a better-paying, more satisfying job has made a huge difference in my overall happiness.
Becky - I’m glad to have met you too! I always suspected you had feelings - don’t worry, I won’t spread the word around.
Sarah - I forgot to say in my earlier comments - that I was thinking about you the other day and was wondering if you were still around. It’s so great to “see” you.
I’m a mom. I work. I stayed home for a year and change, but now “strangers” take care of my kids.
I don’t relate to a lot of this and maybe I lack a certain feminine compass. I don’t keep to-do lists in my head, and yes, sometimes we run out of milk and sometimes we miss a daycare “special”, but it’s not the end of the world.
But I have a GIANT HUMONGOUS chip on my shoulder from going thru law school with several dads with SAH wives. I can’t even talk about the inequality of parenting responsibility because it makes flames shoot out my ears and I’d hate to injure both foreseen and unforeseen bystanders.
Not my “kids” my kid, singular.
Amen!!! I wish I could put things as well as you do! I have been fortunate to stay at home with my children, but most of the people I know have to work, not just for extras but to pay the bills.
You are a talented writer and said what I felt in a much better way! Bravo!!!
Andi-
I just wanted to explain my dislike of daycare so it wouldn’t come across as a jab against the parents who need it.
I worked in a DC center for about 18 months. All in all, it was decent. Many parents were single, and low-income. There were some kids with behavior problems even at 2 & 3 years old. Many had developmental delays in speech and fine motor skills. The least adjusted were the 12 hour-a-day kids. The staff was underpaid, or not paid at all, as here in Michigan we had a welfare-to-work program, and some staff were there as assigned by caseworkers. Child/adult ratios were always violated. Regardless, four kids of the same age is not the same as four siblings. Yes, parents of Quads do it, but it is not the same!
I will say this: daycare gives kids a lot of structure, but not always what works best for the child. I remember kids being unable to nap on command and being exhausted by 3-4 pm. I remember kids being bitten repeatedly by other kids. I remember separation anxiety that lasted for months. I think this is what made me fight so hard to do whatever I needed to once I had children. Even the best and kindest paid caregiver cannot raise a child the way a parent will. They have no sense of long-term responsibility. Sadly, some parents are no better, or worse than many childcare providers. My ex turned out to be one, due to his own problems, but for many years and with great results, we raised our kids with our values and goals for them in mind.
Carol - I’m sorry you had such an awful experiences with daycares.
I know first hand that there are amazing centers and awful ones. I agree that there are also amazing and awful parents - this is a point that many people forget. I do think what’s important is the quality of care - whether that’s at home with a parent or a nanny, or at a daycare or dayhome, etc.
I live in a province in Canada that is in the middle of an economic boom. It sucks. Our cost of living is skyrocketing, and unless you work in the oilfields or have a high-profile job, many of us need two incomes to stay afloat. What pisses me off to no end, with a large shortage of workers and families that need double-incomes, is that the government doesn’t exactly have family-friendly policies. There are very few childcare spaces and I am extremely fortunate in that my kids are in one of the most well-respected places in my city. The owner gets calls from women daily who cry when she tells them there is a 3 year waiting list. She has raised wages and implemented staff benefits that are unheard of in childcare. Yet still, staff sometimes leave because they can make more in another industry. I just wish that there were more quality spots available for everyone who needs to work, but I have no idea what the solution is to all this ridiculousness.
Rayne of Terror - I too must lack a certain feminine compass - loved that! I really don’t get all flustered about, as you say, occasionally running out of milk. It frustrates me that many mothers feel that they are only a good mother if they make themselves feel guilty for petty things like this.
And I totally get the chip on the shoulder. And the flames shooting out of your ears. That happens to me too! I’m surprised I was able to write this post minus all the anger it can inspire in me.
Here in Michigan we have a 7% unemployment rate, who knows how many are underemployed, working two PT jobs, etc. Like I said in my first reply, I know all about needing two incomes. Even with both of us working, we barely stayed afloat. I can’t imagine how we could have afforded even the cheapest daycare.
I think our gov’t needs to examine this problem, but as long as the lawmakers have $$$ for private nanny’s, they never will!
love it! good job andi for saying what so many of us want to but don’t
A-bleeping-men!
Brilliant.
Woot - well done. And spot on.
Andi, this was BRILLIANT. So well said, and not ranty at all. Only (all too) true. It makes me want to cry a little, in fact, it is THAT true. If we are going to support the idea of children being cared for exclusively by their parents, then we should pay people enough that families can exist at a reasonable level of comfort on one person’s salary. If we are going to encourage everyone to work, then we should pay daycare workers more than minimum wage and stop looking at the care of small, helpless children as an insignificant detail in the grand scheme of the workforce. This country does indeed pay lip service to an idea of equality, but in fact I think these days, women may have it worse than we ever have. Back in the June Cleaver era, we may have been bored and undervalued, but at least no one thought it a reasonable expectation that we bear and care for children, do laundry, shopping, cooking, and cleaning, AND work full time AND stay “hot” AND have a well-rounded social and sex life. Who can do it all? Enough is enough with the idea of “having it all”! It’s an unrealistic and unfair expectation. It’s not “having” it all, it’s just “doing” it all! Being responsible for it all.
I agree. Even though I joke with hubby when he says he’s “babysitting” so I can go do something on my own I don’t like that phrase used that way. I hope that by the time my daughter has children of her own things will have changed quite a bit.
Bravo! I have done both, worked and stayed home. Neither are picnics and both carry their own sets of guilt. I applaud you for refusing to give in to the guilt! It will be a wonderful day when ALL dads feel as much responsibility as moms for their child’s care & well-being (I know that some already do).
It is interesting how much discussion this post has raised. Obviously people feel very strongly about the choices they make. Parenting is difficult no matter what your personal and financial situation and we can become very defensive when our choices are questioned.
I think it’s very valid to have a look at our attitudes towards Dads and Moms and how we all relate in the network of our family. Maybe it goes back to the family we were raised in or how we’ve operated before we had kids. My Dude didn’t ask me to marry him, he asked if I would be his partner. Our marriage has been about making decisions together and now that we are parents, I think it’s even easier because it’s not about us anymore. The Princess is everything to us and we both do everything we can to make sure she’s happy and safe. We both want to be good role models for our kids so that they can see that Mommy and Daddy have to work or spend time by themselves but that doesn’t mean we love our children any less.
I’m rambling. What I meant to say was great post. Thanks again.
First of all, I have to say I agree.
Second of all, I can say that I DO choose to be at home. I can go to work, as my husband has told me that he supports my decision to do what makes me happiest and what is ultimately best for the family (happy mommy = happy kids, right?) He has also said that he would gladly stay home instead of me.
Realistically, however, my career choice is not that high paying. In fact, it pays poop compared to his. So if I work and he stays home, we would have to reevaluate our standard of living and take some cuts in our budgeted expenses. Like buying no name food items and generic Q-tips.
Regardless, I know that if I wanted to work right now, I could. And if I want to stay home, I can.
That is enough for me.
Wow! Lots of dialogue on this subject! I’m finally getting around to my comment: I stayed home with my 2 until they were 3 and 4. There was no choice about it, it’s just the way it was. It was probably the worst thing we ever did financially, and are still seeing the effects of it 10 years later (Financially, not personally). But we have never regretted it, and I am so thankful that it played out this way. I was the lucky one, and thoroughly enjoyed my time with our kids. I often thought that my husband loved going to work, but I’m sure there were many days that he wished he was the one at home.
I think that kids who have great parents will turn out great, whether they are in Daycare or at home with their Mother or Father.
Finding a caregiver that you trust is the most difficult and stressful thing that a parent goes through. This just means we care a whole bunch about our kids.
Enjoy your first day back at work Andi - I know you are doing the Happy Dance!
I just wanted to make it a ’round 50. B/C you’re so fab and now you have 50 comments. Oh, I got your back.
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You put it so very well.
I am a WAHM and love it…
But I have a friend who needs to work full time for her own sanity, and she has been feeling guilty about–the cost of childcare, the quality of childcare, etc. And I told her not to think about “how much [she] is making after paying childcare, but rather how much the household is making after paying childcare.” Why is it that it is (mentally) subtracted from her salary and not her husband’s?
And sometimes when I try to explain my own frustrations to y husband, I point out how he is climbing the walls after watching our sweet child (with occasional breaks) for 5 hours while I meet deadlines…and he answers, “But I don’t have your maternal instinct.”
I feel like throwing a shoe at him.
Thank you. This was positively brilliant.
Well said, Andi. We do the best with what we’ve got, I know I do, but it sure would be nice if everyone saw this issue through a lens of objective compassion and stopped pretending that it’s all about choice.
Since I started working outside of my jail, I mean house, I’m a happier person, and that counts for a lot.
Congrats on the Perfect Post Award.
I was thinking about you today and wondering how your first day back at work was.
I’m sure you’ll let us know in a post once you adjust to the juggling of your new schedule
I’m sitting at my desk at work right now thinking about how I’d love to see my kids, but how much I love that I can go to work and actually finish a cup of coffee while it’s still hot.
Thank you for writing this. It was beautiful. I wish all the same for my daughter and my son.
Mrs. Chicken sent me your way. She’s right; perfect post.
When I used to work some evenings and nights, some people marveled over how I got my husband to ‘babysit’. Nothing used to irritate me more.
I could go on & on, but you covered the subject so well.
All I can say: my seven year-old son proclaimed that he wanted to stay at home someday and care for his children.
I don’t what world he will inherit, but I hope that won’t seem too outlandish a hope.
Sarah - I loved this comment. It is so true! It really is just “doing” it all, not “having” it all. Having it all is such a myth - there is no way for a woman to do all the things you described at all (let alone do them WELL) without having a nervous breakdown. My muffin top concurs.
Kisha - This “babysitting” phrase certainly seems to be a common one - I won’t deny that I used to say it too, until I realized just what I was implying by using that word.
dysfunctional mom - I agree - neither situation is a picnic. I do think we tend to idealize the opposite situation. I know when I was pregnant I fantasized about being at home. Oh the freedom! Then when I was at home, I fantasized about being at work (again, the freedom).
Joline - Not rambling at all. You made some really good points. Like you, I think my relationship is relatively equitable. This along with knowing a few stay at home dads, and other things, lets me know that we are indeed making progress. This gives me hope - although we still do have a long way to go. It still seems to me that in the greater culture we are always viewed as mothers, especially in the workforce, etc. I know in my previous workplace that I was viewed as somewhat of a liability because it was assumed that I would stay home with Elliot when she was sick, etc. I think fathers (especially at work) are often viewed as men who just happen to have children. This makes me not only sad for moms, but for dads too.
Mrs. Mustard - Thanks for agreeing (and for calling me yesterday to see how work went). You know that I planned on staying home with my kids, but when the time came, it was financially unfeasible. Realistically, if I would have been in your situation, I probably would have opted to stay at home full-time. I still think I would have resented it a bit though, as I would feel it was something I was “supposed” to do, rather than something I was freely choosing to do. I realize I’m totally over-thinking this, but that’s how I see it.
Kips - Thanks! Did you see me do my happy dance?
Mama Luxe - That is such a great example. When I told many people what we were paying for childcare, their response was the same - that it wasn’t worth it for me to go back to work. I just told them that WE’RE still making more than if I didn’t work at all - and that’s money that we need to make ends meet. And I too work for the sake of my sanity - of course, if I could afford it, it would only be part-time rather than full-time.
Natalie - Anyone who showers me with compliments like “brilliant” is welcome here anytime.
Nell - That does count for a lot. And I love the phrase “a lens of gentle compassion.”
Diane - Funny, I was thinking much the same things as you were when I read your comment.
Lisa Milton - As you know, my hope is your hope. Thanks for stopping by.
I came via Mrs. Chicken.
Excellent post. I have often wondered why men don’t seem to have any Daddy Guilt. I think it’s time we stop beating ourselves (and each other) about the head. I loved this line:
I love my kids fiercely and I do the best I can, my children will turn out brilliantly, regardless of the stupid things I choose to become guilt-riddled by.
Yes. Exactly.
Thank you for so eloquently putting in words what many of us feel.
[...] my day on Monday, was receiving a Perfect Post Award from my bloggy friend, Mrs. Chicken for my Illusion of Choice post. Who knew it was possible for me to love her more? Thank you all for your amazing comments [...]
Great post, thank you. You’re right it is all about choices. And also human nature…the innate need (desire) to judge or be judged. At some atomic level, it must feel “good” to judge or compare our own situation with someone else’s. I miss my kids everyday and it breaks my heart when my 4 yr old says, in his most whiney (but oh so heartbreaking) voice “mommy, why do I have to go to school every day?” My usual response is to try and distract him and remind him how much fun he has at school. But the bottom line is…I wanted to stop renting and buy a house, so now I(we) have to pay for it. I chose a house that we will own someday over spending all day, every day with my children. To me it is choice that I inwardly struggle with every day, but not one that I will reverse. After all, parenting is all about choices. Is this choice going to make that much more of a difference in my kids’ childhood than whether or not I always buy Organic…or don’t allow television and video games in the home…or use time outs vs. spanking? All of these are choices and individually they are a drop in the bucket, its the accumulation of these choices that shapes our kids into who they will become as adults. With so many parenting choices, some of them are bound to have positive outcomes. If we could only stop judging each other on our choices.
[...] certainly “working dads,” a point illustrated very effectively by the lovely Andi at Poot and Cubby. It’s just that as we march forward, whether it’s at SaraBear, or the grocery store, or [...]
Came here via Amanda at The Wink/Tumble Dry/Sarabear. Very deserving of a Perfect Post. You echo my sentiments exactly. I just need to work on giving my own Mommy Guilt the middle finger. Easier said than done, for sure.
Amen.
Mommy Wars are the strangest thing…
Andi, I know I am totally late to the party and I know that I am still very early on in these lessons…but I have to say….that was brilliant.
What a great article. I’m in the military and have only 10 more years till a permanent pension, every day I want to give it up to be at home with my kids but its not that easy of a choice to make, my working is good for them also. I work for them so I can provide for them and put my husband through school. I dream of staying at home for me. 10 more years to go, looking forward to my dreams to come true. Its all about the individual.
Andi,
I would guess I’m quite a bit older than most of your commenters. Just wanted to add my praise to theirs. And I thought I’d add a ray of sunshine. When my daughter was born in 1980 there was no doubt I’d keep my job, as my husband was still in law school. After he graduated and got an entry level job with a big firm, I kept my job and went part-time. A woman I know, whose husband worked with my husband, was very judgmental about my decision to work mornings. I will never forget the day she said, in front of others, “by the time you realize that your selfishness has destroyed your daughter, it will be too late.” Her son was six months older than my daughter, and she was intensively “teaching” him at home. When he was 18 months he was taking music lessons, “play” lessons, and their home was plastered with flashcards so the toddler could learn to read. My daughter was in daycare with a loving older woman and three of my friends’ children.
You guessed it: my daughter has thrived. At 27 she has her Ph.D. from a great school and a promising career. Most important, she’s happy. The little boy whose mother tore me apart for not being a stay-at-home mom? He works as a bartender downtown; he’s a college drop-out and a rabble rouser.
I’m not saying all kids with stay-at-home moms will struggle, and I’m not saying all kids whose moms work will thrive. But I really suffered because of this woman’s judgment, and I must say, while I am sorry her son is struggling, I do feel satisfaction that my parenting (and some luck) paid off for my daughter, and she does not appear to have been damaged in any way because she spent loving hours with a kindly daycare provider when she was young. In truth, she appeared less afraid of the world than many children who stayed at home with their mothers, because she learned young that others beyond her immediate family could be trusted to provide care and lullabies and snacks and gentle lessons.
If there are young women who are still struggling with Mommy guilt, I hope my tale will give them hope and just a little comfort.
Great post! I agree that it is totally unfair the way Mom’s are viewed in the business world, but I don’t think things will change as long as all of our important decisions are being made by rich white guys who’ve never had to decide between paying a bill or taking a child to a clinic, or had to miss an important meeting because of their child’s fever.
I come from three generations of working women and it was just a given that I would always work. My husband makes about half my income, so I didn’t really feel like I had a “choice” if we wanted a roof over our heads. I get a little wistful when I see the SAHM’s walking around the neighborhood pushing their strollers, or spending time at the pool with their kiddos, while I’m stuck here for 8-10 hours a day but unfortunately, that the deal I signed on for.
But we found wonderful people to help us and my sons are now 26, 19 & 10 and they are all fine young men - healthy, outgoing and loving, so I feel like whatever choice we made, it has worked out well for us.
Adrian
I just Stumbled onto this post and wanted to say YES, and I love it!