I love writing letters, so when I saw a post of Jennifer’s a few weeks ago where she wrote a bunch of short, random ones, I decided to steal her idea. Shh…
Dear Elliot,
I know you don’t want me or daddy to be the boss. That YOU want to be the boss. But saying it 1000 times is not going to make it happen. I’m sorry, but you’re just going to have to suck it up. In 15 years, I promise you can be the boss. Just don’t come crying to me because you want to go back to being a helpless kid who has no responsibilities and legions of slaves.
Love,
mama
*****
Dear Arlo,
Would it be too much to ask for you to sit still for one freaking second? Or for you to not improvise a drum kit out of every random group of objects? Mama’s getting a headache and would just like to sit for a moment.
Kisses,
mama
*****
Dear House,
I appreciate that you are so tidy now that the children are not around all day to sully your good name. I adore your lack of clutter, but am still upset that someone so old is incapable of cleaning up after herself. Please do me a favor and clean your bathroom fixtures while I’m at work. And would it kill you to throw in a load of laundry?
Love,
The one who scrubs your grimy ass
*****
Dear Laundry,
There is no way that: A - I bought all of these clothes ever, or that B - four people could possibly create so many dirty clothes, especially when two of these people are just slightly larger than a peanut. I can only conclude that you are using my daily absences to breed in private in the laundry baskets. I demand all unfettered coitus cease so that I may spend part of my evening outside of the basement, free of your needy, fibrous offspring.
Love,
The totally undomestic goddess who commits unholy sins against you like never, ever separating darks from whites and who has occasionally decided she’ll try actually soaking stains in the laundry sink, only to succumb to her early onset dementia and turn a load of wash on, which results in flooding the entire basement when you enter the spin cycle.
*****
Dear Remaining Mice (I know you’re still here!),
Please do us all a favor and commit suicide. For your convenience, traps have been stuffed into every available orifice of the house. You will die - why postpone the inevitable?
Giant Buckets of Hate, and NOT love,
The one who detests you with every bone in her body
*****
Dear Husband,
You are both an evil genius and a sanity-saver for coming up with the idea to mix Mike’s Hard Lemonade with Long Island Iced Tea mix. I need no further proof that you are a GOD.
Love,
Your slightly inebriated wife
I could copy and paste everything and claim it as my own, especially the one to the reproducing laundry. (Oh, and except the one to the mice, mine would be to the scorpions!! BLEH!!)
hi Andi - loved it! My 14 year old son still thinks he is the boss! The bad news is that kids stay demanding but increase the pressure and the backchat!
Hell, I wish those bloody rodents of yours would move in next door!
http://www.winingandironing.wordpress
“The totally undomestic goddess who commits unholy sins against you like never, ever separating darks from whites and who has occasionally decided she’ll try actually soaking stains in the laundry sink, only to succumb to her early onset dementia and turn a load of wash on, which results in flooding the entire basement when you enter the spin cycle.”
I knew there was something about you I liked….
My first washer wandered around the basement during the spin cycle carrying with it the unsorted clothes. Undomestic godesses pop up in the strangest places. Jason is a GOD. I will try his latest mixture.
We tell PUnky that he can be the boss of his teddy bears. That’s the limit however.
HA! I can’t wait to be slightly inebriated in the same city!
Great letters, hope everyone listens…although laundry and Mice are well-known for their selective listening skills.
Love the letters! I hope everyone pays attention. And what was that mix again? I must try it!
seriously…where does all the laundry come from?!?!?!?
Ooh, you gotta get one of those machines that shuts itself off before the spin cycle if the lid is left open, it’s genius.
That was very funny and clever. The one to your husband especially got me giggling.
Dear Andi,
Thank you so much for making me laugh on a day that I so very much needed it. I can always count on you to make me giggle, make me think or make me reflect on the things which are so very important in our lives.
Love,
A dedicated and awed Clink
seriously love the letters.
but i kinda like the drink recipe the best!!
tee hee
Awesome.
Especially the husband one.
I have a husband like that, who came up with the brilliant idea to celebrate watching the finale of Lost with Mai Tais, and then proceeded to make them strong and get both of us hammered.
Here’s to drunk parenting! (Ahem, after bedtime of course.)
I find that laundry is like rabbits: it multiplies when you are not looking. I keep hoping for Elves to clean up after the Slobs that I live with…. but it never seems to happen. Wait till you have teenagers and it will eternally be your fault that they don’t have their new board shorts/jeans/favorite hoodie/clean socks/pick one, clean and ready when they want it. As for mice, let me tell you about the rats we’ve conquered while living on the West Coast.
PS Your husband is very creative and I’m glad that he is still using my brands!
Dear Elliot and Arlo - I miss you both, especially your amazing and entertaining (developing) personalities. You are both a product of 2 very special people, even if you drive them both crazy at times. Remember: this is your job.
Love, Great Aunt Kip
Heh heh.
I like the one to your laundry the best.
boooo to mice. YAY to drink recipe. Also, I wonder if my red shirts will sex up the yellow shirts to produce orange shirts? Because I hate orange shirts.
Hey I saw Jennifer’s letters too, and seriously wanted to copy them. Let’s just call it our favorite form of adoration.
But now yours are so good I don’t dare. Crap.
I did write a letter to my daughter’s Dance studio…HATE them. I’ll send URL if interested.
How about this for skills? I spilled smooshed up chocolate cereal onto a BRAND NEW SHIRT, before the tags even came off it became laundry. Gah.
Hmmmm….Mike’s Hard Lemonade…Long Island Iced Tea Mix. Add ice. Shake vigorously.
Sounds as effective as any anti-depressant. And even better? I bet it would take me only one to get to that kind, gentle other world.
I died at the Husband one. Seriously. This is my very drunk ghost typing.
Oooohhhhh! A new drink I haven’t tried. Thanks for the idea. I’m stilling that one from you!
Ditto on the laundry and mice letter. My laundry is so out of control right now it’s ridiculous. My kids know which pile is clean and which is dirty — there not even in baskets at this point. But what am I doing today you ask? Catching up on my blog reading.
We think the mice are gone, but I’m not convinced. Everytime I move something I find little bits of mouse poop — nasty. We have death traps strategically placed all over the house. None of that humane BS in our house.
Second’ing, or Third’ing or… anyway, I’m concurring with other commenters that the drink your hubby created is truly awesome. Must try it this weekend.
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Good lord this made me laugh out loud! I love it - in fact, I might have to thieve the idea from you.
Love your blog, you are a wonderful writer!