In case you have any doubt about my mad dumbassery skillz after the melted laptop post*, I present to you the following tips about how to transfer your aptitude towards idiocy at the workplace:
1) Build-up a solid reputation as the resident Grammar Nazi. Then forward a report that you wrote and checked over a bazillion times to upper management, only to be told that you used the word “modal” instead of “model” throughout.
2) Tell a co-worker that he bears a striking resemblance to your husband - they could be brothers. Notice nervous laughter from co-worker and wonder why your brain thought it necessary to share this vital piece of information. When you recount the story to your husband he says this: “So he must be a sexy bastard, too.” Congratulate yourself on your restraint and ability to save face by not repeating the husband’s comment to co-worker. Even though you thought it was hysterical, you’re really not up for a sexual harassment suit at the moment.
3) Reason with yourself that you could multi task at lunch by getting an audio book. You could knit or eat and read at the same time. Take out The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao thinking because it’s a literary read, that it might be appropriate to play in your cubicle while your neighbor is working through lunch. Have the volume on embarrassingly loud while repeat occurrences of THE N WORD and FUCK are screaming out of your otherwise innocent, worker-bee cubicle. Wonder if your neighbor noticed. Briefly contemplate explaining to the sweet-seeming woman that you barely know that you are not a member of a profanity- obsessed KKK sect.
*Have you seen the comments on that post? You people are so awesome! Thank you for making me laugh and making me feel less stupid. Jason found the comments very educational, and was shocked that so many people he told the story to said they would have done the same thing. Oh, and Jen’s comment was amazing. And here I thought I was crazy looking down to see if I’m wearing pants when I walk out the door in the morning. Jen, you are my official co-queen - that was the funniest shit I’d read in a long time.
Oh dear.
The N word and the F word?? Really. Do you need me to get you some earphones for your birthday?
I had not seen all the comments from the other post! They are hilarious!!!!
I do far worse at home, I often embarrass myself! Hold your head high and know you are NOT alone!!!
Too funny! Thanks for the laugh this morning. I almost choked on my banana.
And new reader here. *waves*
Andi. The stories I could tell. Like the time I spilled coffee on my lap the day I had to do a presentation. I was wearing VERY light pants. So I did the reasonable thing and rinsed them out in the sink only to have to sit around in damp pants. They were taking too long to dry so I took them off to dry on the air vent in my office. I was completely covered by my jacket and contemplating putting them back on after a good period of time when my loud and annoying officemate walked in. Sigh.
I truly believe idiocy is a rite of passage of parent hood…it is just much much harder to hide it in public.
At least that is what they keep telling me…
Oh andi! Co-queen of dumb-assery? I’m so touched! It feels so good to be recognized for your achivments.
So? Work is going well?
i think #3 is my most favorite. i would consider investing in earphones
I’m just catching up on that incinerated laptop story…and reading the comments.
I’m so sorry! But don’t despair, it sounds like everyone hs almost been there done that–at least to some extent!
I’m the opposite of a grammar Nazi. But I am also laughing. Possibly at you. But likely with you.
I’m just going to say I’m glad to know you.
It sounds like you would be really fun to work with.
I once told a co-worker that I thought her husband looked just like Peter Parker in Spiderman and got an uncomfortable silence, which I then proceeded to fill by saying, “You know, Toby McGuire? I think he’s totally hot (as is your husband.)
Yeah, headphones might be a good investment.
Once, at work (ages ago, but still funny), I overheard a coworker named Peter calling to set up an appointment at the mechanic. He dialed, and when the auto shop answered, he said, “Hi, I’m calling to get my peter fixed.”
Just one more way to embarrass oneself at work!
Oh Andi - try putting the other foot in!! That’s hysterical - always check your work dear and leave the young men alone!
Couldn’t you just have told them that modal was the new model and where the hell were they while you were on maternity leave?