Sorry, my pretties. It’s a long one…
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but during my entire childhood I was The Fat Girl. There are various anecdotes I could tell you about how this affected me. The weeping and total embarrassment in gym class. Social isolation. Briefly hanging with the mean crowd only to be picked on by their jerk boyfriends and rapidly ousted from their clique. Intercepting notes written by a girl I thought was my friend, only to read words like “fat cow” referring to me. Experiencing some intense Schadenfreude when that same girl gained a huge amount of weight in high school. That’s karma, baby.
You don’t really need all the details, do you? I’m sure you’ve heard, or lived through some version of these stories before. Anyway, in high school I went to Weight Watchers and became Thinner Girl (I will never truly be Thin Girl, thanks to my big-boned build, but at this point I’m regretting not enjoying the smallish body I had back then).
Like most people prone to being overweight, I slowly gained it back over a few years. Then I became two things: a vegetarian and a runner. The veg thing wasn’t as big a deal as you might think – it wasn’t a weight-related decision, but a health one. I was frequently ill with reflux so bad I had to go to emergency for Demerol and that still didn’t take away the excruciating pain. Meat appears to fight with my digestive system. I did start occasionally eating fish again, and I continued to eat a fairly healthy diet before my pregnancy with Arlo.
Becoming a runner was bizarre. I assumed runners were masochists, so I was shocked when I actually enjoyed it. It was useful in keeping the love handles at bay, and it made my head feel better. If you run, you know what I mean. I started taking a Learn to Run clinic where you gently work your way up to running 20 minutes straight. When the man who owns the Running Room gave a talk at one of our clinics, I wanted to cry. He began his journey as a runner in the dark because he feared someone seeing his then-overweight- self running. I knew exactly what he meant.
I ran for a few years, mostly for fun, and completed a 10K. I was in decent shape. Then something happened – my body became a baby incubator. With Elliot, I ate healthy and gained only 27 pounds. Two months post-partum, I was walking daily and could fit into my old clothes. I didn’t want to bother with running as I knew I’d soon be pregnant again and couldn’t bear finally getting my ideal body only to see it drowned in future baby-sprouting fat. Still, I was relatively healthy and happy with myself.
During my pregnancy with Arlo, a switch flipped in my head. I didn’t enjoy healthy food anymore and I drank too little water. Thanks to being ill for the first trimester, I gained only 24 pounds. I was so small for the first 6 months people asked me if the baby was okay. All this, while I convinced myself that it was okay to eat junk. Sure, I didn’t stuff my face, but I was not eating nearly as well as I had the first time around.
After Arlo popped out, I kept making excuses. I was too tired to exercise or eat well. I’d just had a baby; my belly would pop back in soon. I continued to eat as though I was pregnant because I was “burning calories” while breastfeeding. I let myself have occasional “treats” thinking I deserved them. Then these treats became a daily thing and before I knew it, Fat was seeping into all the cozy pockets of stretched skin sported by poor Belly.
I was in serious denial, people. I assumed that my body had a memory. The memory of who she was when I was courting her, prior to her commitment to carrying my kids. Surely, she would remember all of the running and healthy eating I’d done years ago? I’d convinced myself that I could eat what I wanted and sit on my ass and she’d return to her fit self. I was genuinely puzzled when I noticed my clothes getting tighter. But it snuck up on me. It’s hard to know that you’re gaining a few pounds here and there when you refuse to step on a scale.
Grasping for a rational explanation, I wondered if I’d shrunk old clothes in the dryer. If the clothing industry had once again screwed me over and changed their sizing standards. For a few torturous weeks, I worried I was several months pregnant and had been drinking the whole time, unwittingly damaging my poor fetus. So when I found out I was without child, I was elated. And then, sad because it meant that I was just getting fatter.
Still, I shunned the scale. I hadn’t seen one since my pregnancy. This weekend, I guessed my weight and decided to check. It’s just a number right? Turns out, it’s a very large number. The number that was staring back at me when I was nine months pregnant. Commence moping and self-loathing.
How have I let it get this far? How did I not notice that my stomach, when I’m not sucking it in, which I ALWAYS am, is back to its 5-or-6-month pregnantly protruding self?
I want to be clear about something - I have nothing against overweight people. I was (am) a fat girl. I know it’s what’s inside that counts, blah, blah, blah. I see people daily who are bigger than me and accept that’s who they are. And some of them pull it off so well and look so gorgeous that I wonder why I can’t be one of those adorable, confident Big Girls. But Fat Girl is no longer really me. I don’t feel good as that girl. I feel sad and disappointed in myself. I feel silly that I’ve made so many poor choices in the past year that have allowed me to get here.
This ends now. I refuse to play the role of lazy mother/victim any longer. Commence Operation: Fat Girl Smack-Down.
Thinner Girl will escape Fat Girl’s body, despite being eaten by said Fat Girl months ago, along with everything else in sight. Thinner Girl will scream at Fat Girl that Vegetable is a better friend than Cheesecake. And Brain will also feel happier with her soulmate Running after she ditches her loser boyfriend Sitting On Ass.
Please don’t pity Fat Girl. Or say things like, “She’s not a fat girl!” Fat Girl appreciates your kindness and it’s true that she could be much larger than she currently is. That is why Thinner Girl must take her down now, before she becomes overwhelmed by Fat Girl’s girth. Fat Girl would also like to remind you that she is solely responsible for her triumphant return and feels empowered knowing that she can choose to change anything she wants – including relinquishing power over Body to her sworn enemy, Thinner Girl.
Once Thinner Girl has been liberated, I’ll have her say hi. Her escape will take awhile as her demise did not happen overnight – Fat Girl is a methodical, persistent cow. I doubt Thinner Girl will pose in a bikini, like these fabulous girls, but you never know how brave and proud she might be.
Amen!
I almost said something like, “Been there, done that”, but I AM there. I’m there RIGHT now, and have been every day for the past three years. Youch.
Well written. And good luck! You totally WILL make yourself proud with that attitude. I hope that I can follow your lead and do the same.
This is so on the mark, it’s making my inner Fat Girl tremble with fear. Because the same thing has happened to my Thin Girl, but you’ve inspired me to kick some Fat A$$! Yeah!
I’m also really interested in what you wrote about running because I kind of think I’d like to be a runner, but I don’t really know how. I tried it once, maybe ten years ago? I didn’t even do a warm-up, for cripes’ sake, just busted out the front door of my apartment and ran a couple blocks at top speed before getting a stitch in my side and collapsing in some bushes. It wasn’t the best approach.
Yup. Former 300 lbs, here.
And I’ve crept back up to 160 and feel fat as hell.
Crap.
As former fat girl and former thin girl I am quite pleased with average girl. I have my token bikini picture and can die happy knowing that at one point I looked really hot in a bikini.
Good luck dying a horrible death fat girl Andi. I shall reward you with fiberous muffins and carrot stew.
You go! Kick some fat butt!
Even if I gain and lose only 5 lbs, I feel better with it off.
I also love women who can embrace a bigger body, but usually it’s just healthier to drop the weight if you can.
I kind of did that same thing after my second baby. I allowed myself lots of treats because I was tired and, hey, didn’t I always have great metabolism? Yes, well.
I eventually emerged from the two little kids fog, took up running, was feeling great and…boom: pregnant again. Same pattern. I recently made some lifestyle changes and greatly reduced the sugar intake and I feel really good.
Good luck with the smack-down. Hooyah!
Chickie, I can relate. (Is it totally offensive that a near total stranger referred to you as a chickie? Because that’s sort of thin girl term, so the compliment was intended, ya know?)
I was “Big Sigh” for most of university and then went right back to “Sigh” when I, too, discovered running. I shed about 60 pounds over a year or so and never felf better. Of course, I’ve gained about 20 of that back and am still fighting to keep the rest off. Something that also happened at pregnancy time (my wife’s, not mine; that would be weird).
Keep posting your progress (or at least your good intentions) here, and your readers will do their best to keep you accountable. If there’s one thing the internet is good for, it’s faceless, righteous criticism.
Ahem… if you too want to “felf” better, take up running!
And I hope more guys chime in, because there’s a LOT of estrogen in this here comment thread, and I feel sort of lonely.
can i just say that i kinda get giddy when you post?
and long distance high five for kicking off operation fat girl smack down. i know thinner girl will leave her high and dry!!
moosh in indy. - How did I forget to link your bikini pic? Fixed!
Simon - Thank you. I know this isn’t a female specific problem, so I appreciate your testosterony input. And also, you totally rule for coming back and changing your spelling mistake. As you know, I’m mildly anal-retentive about the whole spelling thing.
you will be thinner girl.
you will wear a bikini.
I know you can do it.
I’m with you.
I will no longer suggest cake at SnB ( we can share a piece?)
You are awesome and an inspiration. I keep making excuses. I need to get some of that fire you’ve got and put it under my butt!
Oh, I envy you the running you will do. Please be careful and stretch before you run, and move back into it slowly. I injured my knee trying to get back into shape after my second baby and I’m still in physical therapy and haven’t been able to run on it yet. Hopefully soon.
Anyway, best of luck.
If it makes you feel any better, I just started the Master Cleanse diet. No food for 10 days. Am I crazy? Those last 10 pounds are sticking hard, and slowly becoming more like 15 again. Oy!
I can relate! I am having my own fat girl/thin girl struggle. The sad thing is that I’ve been doing a lot of the good things like eating less and exercising a bit, but just not getting any results. I’m starting another round of WW this week, so hopefully that will do some good. But I was horrified to look in the WW literature and discover that I am 80 POUNDS over the highest weight for my height - yikes and double yikes! I knew I was heavy, but denial is a beautiful thing, isn’t it?
I have to say I don’t get the running thing. I’ve seen so many people have that same response and I never understood it. To me running is the worst kind of torture, but I am walking a bit and I don’t mind that so much.
Thanks!
Adrian
I too have been fat, kinda fat, obese, much less fat, almost thin and anything else in between and all I can tell you is: Good luck finding a way to feel better about you, you deserve it.
Also, for some inspiration or ideas, you may want to check out Carmen’s ELFF Diet site http://momtothescreamingmasses.typepad.com/the_elf_diet/ - She lost a truck-ton of weight AND got in great shape.
Great enough shape actually to rock a bikini (after SIX kids) http://momtothescreamingmasses.typepad.com/scrutiny_by_the_masses/2008/06/for-the-first-time-in-eighteen-years.html
If that isn’t inspiration, I don’t know what is, you know?
Weight Watchers and walking really helped me. Since I have gained some weight back I have to steel myself again. We can do this, Andi!
I didn’t think I’d like running either, but I did. I loved that if I worked hard and trained and eat well that I could run distances that I thought were insane. And feel proud of myself for doing it.
You go, Thinner Girl! I know you’re gonna love that feeling of being strong and capable and healthy and proud.
I would love to train with Thinner Girl when I am no longer a Baby Pod. I hope she’ll have me.
J
Simply put…Andi I love you.
And ‘fat Girl is a methodical persistent cow’ is SO my new mantra.
How do you do it? I laughed out loud and weep inside at the current state of my affairs. I always thought I was a fat girl. How I would love to be my former “fat” self now! I did something about it one time. Then I fell in love. Now I am fat and happy. It makes it hard to fight when you are so darn comfortable. Every week I vow to change. Maybe one day I really will. Good for you!
I’m former thin girl who just experienced fat girl and is now on her way back to thin girl. It’s definitely given me empathy… A LOT more empathy.
Good luck on your journey. It’s stinking hard, you know that though.
I am trying to be a good Runner. Because I feel soooo much better when I do. Currently in a rut though. This post of yours was inspiring.
Dude.
I KNOW.
I looked at my arms today and realized, “HOLY HELL! Those arms are MINE.”
Why doesn’t this motivate me, though. Keep writing about this, maybe you’ll motivate me!
Time for requested testosterone injection. I accompanied Fat Andi to Weight Watchers many yesterdays ago has her Fat Little Brother. Do you like rollercoasters? My stomach and waist do. I bike 14km a day, four-five days a week, going on average 20-25kph the entire time and don’t eat excessive amounts of food and still struggle to stay sub-200 (I’m only 5′8″, making me high overweight/borderline obese according to health authorities). I will join you in your Fat Girl whoopin’ but warn you that she and her comrades can be crafty opponents. Just when you think you’ve beat them down, they sprout right back up like a noxious weed. Power on sister!
PS-Buy a fancy road bike like me and learn to love biking. I prefer it over running!
I am sooo with you on this one. My goal is 25lbs in 25 weeks- which should take me right up to xmas. The fat girl in me is a mean SOB and hard to shake but I will beat her down and she will not win!!
So, I just sat down to peruse blogs with a bag of marshmallows on my left and a bag of Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips on my right.
No joke.
But you have inspired me. I’m putting away the junk food because I don’t need it. Will only regret its consumption. You go girl, best of luck with The Smackdown!
Oh, good luck! Getting started is the hardest part.
*nods head*
I’ll join you in February. I get ridiculously fat with my pregnancies.
Jeez Louise, funny how you thought you were prego like I thought. Turns out it was menopause and my weight just settled into my belly. Mom thinks I just shrunk! Thank goodness I still have my humour. You, my sweet, are still a goddess.
Amen Sister. I have been “kind of” following in your footsteps as I have been lucky enough to be able to golf 4 rounds a week. Go Summer Go.
way to go, andi. welcome to the thrive movement.
i used to hate running, too. now i… well i hate it a little less, but it’s still very much in the category of necessary evil.
I Thinner Girl should read Mireille Guiliano’s books. I love her mental outlook on food and enjoyment. I swear the whole weight gain/food abuse thing is completely mental and if I don’t work on the mental thing I’m having right now, I’m going to keep on gaining too.
I’m rooting for you! I absolutely know you can do this!
( p.s. - My twin sister is a runner too and expressed similar feeling to yours about what running does for her.)
I so identified with what you said about feeling you deserved treats post-baby, and that you were just burning it right off breastfeeding so it didn’t matter! It wasn’t until Eli was six months old that I finally got an exercise program going to get me over the hump and back to (well, pretty darn CLOSE to) my pre-baby weight. Now that I fit back into my clothes, summer is upon us, which you’d think would HELP with exercising, but we’ve actually been so busy it hasn’t been happening for awhile. Unless you count lawn mowning…
Thanks for the inspiration!
I did the exact same thing, freaking out at the dryer that is.
May your get-up-and-go attitude thrive!
Good luck, Thinny McSkinnyness!
I’m all about doing what makes you feel better about yourself. Pride and self-esteem cannot be bought or substituted.
Good luck!
I’m a fat girl who needs to find her inner thinner girl. It’s been a long time. I need motivation, because I know I need to lose weight. I applaud you for getting motivated and into motion. Best of luck.
Damn. I need to join your parade. I’ve got similar issues…
It doesn’t have to mean you are against fat people to acknowledge you are uncomfortable with your own weight. I am the same way. I feel very uncomfortable in my body because of my weight. It’s the ONE THING I truly don’t like about myself and it holds me back.
Here’s hoping you find a way to the you that you want to be!
My little weight loss secret: A wicked Salmonella infection.
Its the crash diet that lost me 20 pounds in two weeks. Ha ha.
other than that, I’ve never been able to consciously lose weight. It either falls off miraculously on its own or go nowhere despite (I must admit rather LAME) attempts to shake it.
I’m proud of you!!
You can do this. I have faith in you and you’re awesome, and if you want to lose weight, then that’s what you’re going to do.